The funny site of Israel

2011-11-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

IT'S FANGA TIME!!!

Thursday 8 December 2011

Yad Lebanim Hall

(147 Ahuza Street, Raanana)

9:30pm

Hillary Sargeant & FANGA Band

(click above to see highlights of last year's show)

will light up the stage like never before!

Meet the Faces of FANGA!

Shai Bachar (USA)- Keyboards/ Musical Director
Tomer Cohen (IL) - Woodwinds
Jamale Hopkins (USA) - Drums
Royn Iwryn(IL) - Percussion
Gabriel Polak (IL) - Guitar
Yogev Glusman (IL) - Bass

BACKGROUND VOCALS:
Naama Cohen (IL)
Talia Kliger (IL)
Jacqueline Fay (IL)

FEATURING:

Eyal Ganor (IL) - Contra Bass

Yankale Segal (IL) - Oud

Nii Adzah Ananag (Ghana) - African Drums

Naama Cohen (IL-Season 9 Kokav Nolad ) - Soloist

2011-11-30T07:58:00.001-08:00

Fanga ! Experience from Hillary Sargeant Fanga on Vimeo.

2011-11-29T03:35:00.000-08:00

A letter from an Israeli Reserve Soldier Stationed at the Border with Egypt

My name is Aron Adler.

I am 25 years old, was born in Brooklyn NY, and raised in Efrat Israel. Though very busy, I don’t view my life as unusual. Most of the time, I am just another Israeli citizen. During the day I work as a paramedic in Magen David Adom, Israel’s national EMS service. At night, I’m in my first year of law school. I got married this October and am starting a new chapter of life together with my wonderful wife Shulamit.

15-20 days out of every year, I'm called up to the Israeli army to do my reserve duty. I serve as a paramedic in an IDF paratrooper unit. My squad is made up of others like me; people living normal lives who step up to serve whenever responsibility calls. The oldest in my squad is 58, a father of four girls and grandfather of two; there are two bankers, one engineer, a holistic healer, and my 24 year old commander who is still trying to figure out what to do with his life. Most of the year we are just normal people living our lives, but for 15-20 days each year we are soldiers on the front lines preparing for a war that we hope we never have to fight.

This year, our reserve unit was stationed on the border between Israel, Egypt and the Gaza Strip in an area called “Kerem Shalom.” Above and beyond the “typical” things for which we train – war, terrorism, border infiltration, etc., - this year we were confronted by a new challenge. Several years ago, a trend started of African refugees crossing the Egyptian border from Sinai into Israel to seek asylum from the atrocities in Darfur.

What started out as a small number of men, women and children fleeing from the machetes of the Janjaweed and violent fundamentalists to seek a better life elsewhere, turned into an organized industry of human trafficking. In return for huge sums of money, sometimes entire life savings paid to Bedouin “guides,” these refugees are promised to be transported from Sudan, Eritrea, and other African countries through Egypt and the Sinai desert, into the safe haven of Israel.

We increasingly hear horror stories of the atrocities these refugees suffer on their way to freedom. They are subject to, and victims of extortion, rape, murder, and even organ theft, their bodies left to rot in the desert. Then, if lucky, after surviving this gruesome experience whose prize is freedom, when only a barbed wire fence separates them from Israel and their goal, they must go through the final death run and try to evade the bullets of the Egyptian soldiers stationed along the border. Egypt’s soldiers are ordered to shoot to kill anyone trying to cross the border OUT of Egypt and into Israel. It’s an almost nightly event.

For those who finally get across the border, the first people they encounter are Israeli soldiers, people like me and those in my unit, who are tasked with a primary mission of defending the lives of the Israeli people. On one side of the border soldiers shoot to kill. On the other side, they know they will be treated with more respect than in any of the countries they crossed to get to this point.

The region where it all happens is highly sensitive and risky from a security point of view, an area stricken with terror at every turn. It’s just a few miles south of the place where Gilad Shalit was kidnapped. And yet the Israeli soldiers who are confronted with these refugees do it not with rifles aimed at them, but with a helping hand and an open heart. The refugees are taken to a nearby IDF base, given clean clothes, a hot drink, food and medical attention. They are finally safe.

Even though I live Israel and am aware through media reports of the events that take place on the Egyptian border, I never understood the intensity and complexity of the scenario until I experienced it myself.

In the course of the past few nights, I have witnessed much. At 9:00 PM last night, the first reports came in of gunfire heard from the Egyptian border. Minutes later, IDF scouts spotted small groups of people trying to get across the fence. In the period of about one hour, we picked up 13 men - cold, barefoot, dehydrated - some wearing nothing except underpants. Their bodies were covered with lacerations and other wounds. We gathered them in a room, gave them blankets, tea and treated their wounds. I don’t speak a word of their language, but the look on their faces said it all and reminded me once again why I am so proud to be a Jew and an Israeli. Sadly, it was later determined that the gunshots we heard were deadly, killing three others fleeing for their lives.

During the 350 days a year when I am not on active duty, when I am just another man trying to get by, the people tasked with doing this amazing job, this amazing deed, the people witnessing these events, are mostly young Israeli soldiers just out of high school, serving their compulsory time in the IDF, some only 18 years old.

The refugees flooding into Israel are a heavy burden on our small country. More than 100,000 refugees have fled this way, and hundreds more cross the border every month. The social, economic, and humanitarian issues created by this influx of refugees are immense. There are serious security consequences for Israel as well. This influx of African refugees poses a crisis for Israel. Israel has yet to come up with the solutions required to deal with this crisis effectively, balancing its’ sensitive social, economic, and security issues, at the same time striving to care for the refugees.

I don’t have the answers to these complex problems which desperately need to be resolved. I’m not writing these words with the intention of taking a political position or a tactical stand on the issue.

I am writing to tell you and the entire world what’s really happening down here on the Egyptian/Israeli border. And to tell you that despite all the serious problems created by this national crisis, these refugees have no reason to fear us. Because they know, as the entire world needs to know, that Israel has not shut its eyes to their suffering and pain. Israel has not looked the other way. The State of Israel has put politics aside to take the ethical and humane path as it has so often done before, in every instance of human suffering and natural disasters around the globe. We Jews know only too well about suffering and pain. The Jewish people have been there. We have been the refugees and the persecuted so many times, over thousands of years, all over the world.

Today, when African refugees flood our borders in search of freedom and better lives, and some for fear of their lives, it is particularly noteworthy how Israel deals with them, despite the enormous strain it puts on our country on so many levels. Our young and thriving Jewish people and country, built from the ashes of the Holocaust, do not turn their backs on humanity. Though I already knew that, this week I once again experienced it firsthand. I am overwhelmed with emotion and immensely proud to be a member of this nation.

With love of Israel,

Aron Adler writing from the Israel/Gaza/Egyptian border.

2011-11-07T10:25:00.001-08:00

Hillary Sargeant & FANGA Band 2011 Concert!!!

performing a mix of Caribbean & Middle Eastern Grooves, Soul, R&B & World Music!

This year we are putting on a BBB (Bigger, Brighter and Better) Show

Yad Lebanim Hall, Raanana

Thursday 8 December, 2011 - 9:30pm

Click here to listen to the whole EP, Trilogy of FANGA - FREE !

**************************************************************************

If you were at last year's show at Reading 3, Tel Aviv you know you don't want to miss this year!

So be sure to call me early to get your ticket.

Tickets: 052-882-0202; 052-881-7500

Price: NIS 120

(buy 2 and you pay NIS 200.)

Thanks again Debra for your continued support and please pass on the word to your friends......you won't want them to miss it this time!

Neshikot,

Hillary

P.S. To watch FANGA 2010 Show be sure to click here.

FANGA!

www.fanga-music.com

2011-03-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything...how the internet started

By Morris Ellis*

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM): Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP) - but this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.; despite the claim of rapper Al Gore Rhythms...

(image courtesy of www.g-dcast.com)

2011-01-26T09:01:00.000-08:00

About Israel

(Allegedly by the Israeli humorist, Efraim Kishon)

Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the people's headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.

Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local market.

Israel is the only country in the world whose soldiers eat three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather than something one tosses into a martini.

Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts.

Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in the country take buses.

Israel is the only country in the world where the graffiti is in Hebrew.

Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.

Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need it.

Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own children.

Israel is the only country in the world where "small talk" consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.

Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone "out for a drink" means drinking cola, coffee or tea.

Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot..

Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and admires the United States.

Israel is the only country in the world that introduces applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in banks that print out your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and decades ahead of Europe .

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign accent.

Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.

Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.

Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attaché case a "James Bond" and the "@" sign is called a "strudel".

Israel is the only country in the world where there is the most mysterious and mystical calm ambience in the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.

Israel is the only country in the world where people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.

2010-01-09T07:26:00.000-08:00

Working life in Israeli High-tech

Working in Israel is different – especially from working in Europe. The working week consists of 45 hours – depending on the industry you work in, it translates to a 5-day working week of 9 hours. Most companies provide food – the fridge is stocked with fresh vegetables, cheese, and humus. There are also cookies and bread. Company kitchens boast a water cooler, microwave and toaster. If you are lucky, your company also provides a card for purchasing lunch from various restaurants. (You still have to pay one-third and income tax over the two-thirds that the company pays).

In Israel, especially in high-tech, employees are highly skilled and highly motivated. Almost all of them (myself included) have two Master degrees. Oliem need to realize that having an MBA is almost mandatory to get to senior management levels.

Especially in high-tech, the culture is heavily influenced by the Israeli army. Since everyone in Israel joins the army at the age of 18 and leaves the army 3 years later (2 years for women), the ethos of army life translates into business life. The army experience shapes the future employee work ethic and attitudes. Outside of Israel, employees are given a task and see it as a task; however in Israel, it's a mission. Every task is taken with the utmost seriousness, and “white nights” are no exception - employees in the Israeli office will not go home until the task is done.

High-tech in Israel is product/invention driven. Especially marketing is the stepchild – not really considered to be a serious asset for the company. Many CEOs and VPs know that they might come across as rude, pushy and aggressive. The language is to blame for it – there is no “I would if I could, but I cannot, so I wouldn’t”-nuances in the Hebrew. There is only a present, past and future tense and an imperative. Due to the culture and the political situation, Israelis are high gear. This often confuses business partners abroad, who like to mull over questions and decisions.

Applying for a job in Israel is an interesting event. LinkedIn is a favorite tool for HR managers to scout for talent. Since it’s a small country, networking is important – most jobs are not even posted, but filled throught personal recommendations. Recruiting companies (there are a lot of them) are highly active and will send your resume on, sometimes without even interviewing you. Once you are invited for an interview, you will be asked about your salary expectations. This is the tricky part – apart from the salary itself, you have to state if you want a car (valued at around NIS 3,000), kerens, lunch, vacation days, and any other extras that you want to claim. The best way is to quote a salary margin.

Especially in high-tech, there is a high turnover rate. Due to companies or collapsing or being taken over, the average working life in a high-tech company is 2 years. If you want job security, your only option is to work for the government where you will have job security but a very low salary. In high-tech, companies and managers give their employees lots of opportunities to explore new ventures, improve skills, and to come up with new initiatives. From personal experience, working in Israel is fulfilling, exciting and dynamic.

2009-05-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

Corporate hijinx

(This article was translated from a Hebrew comedy sketch written by comedian Barak Kesar about working at the above major high tech company.)

Look at what we’ve come to…
Look at the cleaning lady, hanging around with an “I will always have a job because there will always be dust” face. Just wait until the soap bubble you’ve been living in bursts; let’s see how you deal when the prices of bleach go up.
Now we’re down to 4 work days…

On Sunday morning my little boy picked up the phone and called the kindergarten teacher to tell her he’s not coming.
Teacher: “Why?”
Son: “Couldn’t find an arrangement for Dad. At least I managed to send Mom off to the mall.”

At first it’s confusing, you don’t know if it’s Saturday or Sunday. The only way of checking is the oven. If there’s a pot of jachnun in there, it’s Saturday.
And if we’re canceling days, why Sunday? Why not Thursday, save us the expenses of the Shabbat dinner while we’re at it.

Things are rough everywhere, not just in high tech.

The beggar at the intersection told me that due to the crisis he’s been forced to increase his work week to 8 work days.
If we were factory workers, we’d at least see some action, lock the gates, burn some tires. In high tech, what’s there to do? Burn the DiskOnKey? Block the entrance? Most of us work from home anyway.

Ever since the “It’ll be OK” commercial for Bank Leumi has been on the air, I’ve been panicking, hysterically! There’s nothing more terrifying than an Israeli telling you “don’t worry, it’ll be ok”.
There are lots of people out there looking for jobs with Bachelor’s degrees, Master’s degrees, 10 years of experience, but between us, there’s only one thing anyone needs to work for my company: an Indian citizenship.

Heartbreaking to see everything going over to India. I hope the financial tsunami doesn’t get there. Personally I prefer to hope that a real tsunami gets them, the one with the waves, the jellyfish, the Thai people.

It’s like in Thailand you see all the good farmers run away to Israel, or the Chinese who don’t have any more construction workers left because they’re all here.
And not only do they take our jobs, they also make sure to mess with our future generation’s brains as they go to Goa after the army, only to come back in a dolphin-like state.

Sometimes I feel like going there and opening an El Gaucho restaurant, on purpose, with a picture of a cow spinning on a shawarma skewer.

My company has creative methods to increase efficiency.

In order to get you to arrive earlier to work, they lower the number of yogurt cups in the kitchenettes. If only they knew how much valuable time I waste by chasing the last yogurt cup instead of working…

If you get to work at 9:00, you’re done for. There’s no chance you’ll find yogurt. At 8:30 you stand a shot, but that includes frantically running through all the kitchenettes on all floors.
And it’s not just the yogurt, it’s the bread rolls too. A few years ago they’d give us sandwich rolls, then they cut down on roll size, then they just brought in empty rolls. Tomorrow they’ll give us flour, water and a recipe.

And at lunch? There’s a million conditions: if you took a cold meal ticket, you’re entitled to a salad but not to dessert or a hot side dish, and God forbid you should also take a soup.
In general, cold meal eaters have an identification mark – the special tray. You have a special tray – then… No Soup For YOU! Wait – what if it’s a cold soup? Does that count as a cold meal?!
Since the food reforms I’ve been continuously paranoid. I keep imagining the caterer yelling at me through a microphone: “Company inhabitants, you are in the dining room, please act accordingly.”

Yesterday I was caught red-handed… with a cold tray… and a lukewarm chicken. Fortunately, I had stuffed the rice in my pocket. Is it me, or do they have to put in less effort for food in Survivor?

Now they’ve put a limit on mileage too. They’ve installed a green box in the car, sort of like a black box on a plane. (By the way, if the black box is made of material that is crash-proof, why not make the entire plane out of the same material?)

There are new stickers on the back windshield. Instead of “How’s my driving? Dial…”, it’s now “Am I driving? Dial…”

Today my company’s name is synonymous with “feel sorry for me”.

Every time an article comes out about another round of dismissals at the company, there’s an obligatory scene with the neighbors.
The neighbor comes over, feeling out the vibe: “Hey man, is everything ok? I’m not used to seeing you at 8 o’clock in the morning. What happened? Didn’t feel like going to work today, or they didn’t feel like having you come in?” Or- “I’m sending you something to your work email account, are you still checking it?”

A second neighbor: “Oh man, I saw the company sticker on your car, I didn’t know you worked there… If you need anything, I know someone at JobMaster, I can get you a good price for the subscription fee and you’ll pay the first installment only after getting fired.”

I’m waiting at a red light, in the car next to me is some guy from a competitor – now there is some sort of covert discussion with those standing next to you at the traffic light – he gives me the look of an Indonesian watching the tsunami hit Thailand, a look of “I survived, good luck to you.” The guys from that company have already taken over all the staircases in all the buildings, without leaving us any places to clean.

I come in to work, the hallways are empty, no one dares to walk around. If someone says Shalom to me, I start to think: “Wait a minute- was that his final farewell? What can I take from his office?”

Or maybe it will be he who’ll say sometime later: “I can’t believe it, I only said Shalom to him this morning.”
And in general, whenever more than two people are looking at you as you’re walking through the corridor, they probably know something. And every conversation starts with “Have you heard who”?

“Have you heard who got fired? Shimshon, the guy walking around here earlier with the yogurt.”
“You don’t say, wait… he had yogurt?! Which room is he in?”
The ways of notifying people have grown sophisticated too.

One guy was asked whether he’d opened the “Mamon” (business) paper on Saturday. He answered: “No. Why”? They told him: “You should, they’ve got some good classifieds in there…”
There was one VP who was really nervous before “the talk”.
“We’ve called you in to let you know that we’ve arranged an office for you.”
“An office in the corner building?”
“Close, the unemployment office.”

I heard one guy who was told: “Listen, if they call you from “Big Brother” or “Survivor” and ask you to participate in their next season, tell them you’re available.”
Women, however- are covered.

Once, when there were wars, you’d know that after 9 months there’d be an increase in the number of births. Now, it’s the same thing. Every round of dismissals triggers a baby boom.
There’ll be a song about it in a few years: “We are the children of the high tech crisis 2009”.
Pregnancy. Your anti-dismissal pill. 100% proven success rate.

In a few years the kid will ask you:
“Mommy, did I come into the world by mistake?”
And you’ll answer, “No honey, Mommy was on the chopping block at work”
“And my seven brothers and sisters?”
“What can I say honey, they had my number, I had to dodge the boot quite a bit.”

Today, getting pregnant is like getting immunity.
Even a single woman I know pulled out a positive pregnancy test stick and shoved it in my face. I told her: “Saral’e? You’re religious!”
She told me: “I did a Shabbat at the kolel, everything included, the Rabbi said that all means are kosher.”

There are also the fakers. One woman comes in for the talk with a huge belly.
“What’s that”? They asked her.
“Pregnancy!” she answered.
“From whom? (bedding maker) The “Fried Brothers”?
“No, why?” she asked.
“Because the corridor is covered in goose feathers, you have a hole in your pillow.”

A friend of mine told me that his wife won’t let him sleep! “I have to get pregnant, I have to get pregnant”. Eventually, he ended up getting fired for coming to work exhausted.
I said to him: “you should have told me, we could have done shifts. What does it matter, pregnancy is pregnancy.”

2009-03-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

Jews on the Moon (a fable) by Janet S. Tiger

One of the great traits of us Israelis (and Jews in general) is our talent to survive. The Greeks, the Romans, the Incas, the Aztecs - they came and went. I got from my friend Martin the following fable, and didn't know who wrote it. The author Janet S. Tiger contacted me, so I can properly credit her. Janet, chapeau! And now the fun starts.....

The Jews settled the moon in 2053, just about five years after the end of the Islamic Wars of the 40's, where the Middle East, and Israel, of course, had been obliterated by nuclear weapons.

The two million Jews remaining throughout the rest of the world - less than 100,000 total in all the Islamic countries - banded together and purchased the dark side of the moon, which no other companies or people wished to colonize. Great transports were arranged via the 62,000 mile space elevator and the Space Shuttle and every Jew on Earth - including anyone who claimed any Jewish heritage whatsoever - left to go to a place where no one could blame them for anything.

The Earth rejoiced - happily rid of all Jews. There were huge parties throughout all of Sweden and the rest of Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, and North America. (Now known as the Northern Alliance of Islamic States after the United States was taken over peacefully in the elections of 2040 by a predominantly Muslim Congress and President, who immediately passed amendments making Islam the main religion of the United States and the world.) After the last Jew entered the elevator, (a David Goldstein, 62, formerly of New York), the Earth was officially declared Judenrein, by Hans Ibn Hitler, a great, great-grandson of Hitler who had been raised in Brazil and hidden by Nazis until this precious moment.It was not an easy move for the Jews but, in some ways, it was no different than all their moves of previous eras.

Some former Israelis, (still alive because they were out of Israel when the bombs dropped), claimed that the moon was easier to deal with because there were no Extremist Muslims. Of course, this precipitated a huge argument with some Jews, who felt not having the Radical Muslims nearby was not enough challenge. Other Jews argued that taming a wilderness with no atmosphere, plant or animal life and freezing temperatures was enough challenge. And yet other Jews argued that arguing was counterproductive. It came as no surprise to anyone that for the two million Jews, there were eventually one million synagogues. (With the other million Jews not joining.)

It was also no surprise that within just three years, the Jews had created a controlled environment that allowed for fantastic plant and animal growth and production. The transports, which had been called the Arks, had also carried two of each animal and plant (remember, Noah), and through the ingenuity of the Jews and cloning, there were now many new species which sped up production of food (cows with six udders, chickens with four legs and so forth.)The population had rapidly increased and, due to the amazing collection of scientific and medical minds, most diseases and even aging had been reduced to nil.

There was even a ministry of communication with Earth consisting of the remains of Hollywood producers and movie makers, who sent back to Earth portraits of life on the moon. Of course, it had been decided when the Jews first got to the moon - based on six-thousand-year history of people being jealous of Jewish accomplishment - that all news coverage of the moon's population would be 'movie-ized' to show only horrible things. The film industry, led by Jordan Spielberg, went to great lengths to fabricate news clips to show Jews barely surviving in the harsh lunar habitat. Artists and engineers labored to cover over the vast environmental successes with illusionary domes showing massive areas of wasteland - just in case anyone from Earth ever sent a spaceship with cameras to see what was going on.

But no-one ever did, and the years passed rapidly. One decade, then another. Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, brises, all celebrated under the artificial world that the Jews had created - not only had it not been that bad, but by the end of the century, some Jewish authors were calling the moon colony - 'Eden 2'. Of course other Jews disagreed. In fact, much time was spent on disagreeing. There were even contests for arguing but, in general, there was peace. Anyone who threatened the peace was forced to officiate at a contest with people arguing about why that person was wrong. The contests would go on for days, (sometimes weeks) until the troublemaker begged for forgiveness. (Many penalties on the moon were similar to this, and were extremely effective.)

Back on Earth, life disintegrated without the Jews. There was a return to Middle Ages thought - only the current religion du jour was valid - all others were kept legislated into poverty until a war erupted and the positions changed for a few years.Another amazing anomaly appeared when there were no longer any Jews on Earth - anti-Semitism actually increased to monumental proportions! Famous orators explained this simply by saying; "I don't have to have a gun to be afraid of having my brains blown out." Additionally, without the presence of the Jew, the world developed incredible evil that had no release. (Previous evil had always focused on the Jews).

One Rabbi on the moon actually said G-d spoke to him and said that he, G-d was about to destroy the Earth because everyone on the Earth was evil. The Rabbi begged him to reconsider, and bargained that if there were 1,000 good people left on Earth, G-d should spare the planet. G-d then told the Rabbi, "Hey, I was through this before with Abraham and Noah and I already know the answer because I'm G-d."

People laughed at the Rabbi, but then, one day, while all the lunar citizens were going about their business, an enormous series of explosions was seen on the Earth. Everyone on the moon stared at the distant fireballs that seemed to engulf the blue planet that was once their home. Although there had been great anger at being forced to leave the Earth, the true spirit of Judaism was always present on the moon, and no one had wished ill on to their former home. As in the tradition of the Seder (when the wine is spilled because the Egyptians perished and we do not rejoice fully when even an enemy has died) when the Jews saw what was happening, they began to weep and pray, and watch what was to be the final news broadcast from Earth.

The horror of the apocalypse was videotaped by cameras until all electricity was ionized by the new electron bombs. Entire countries were wiped away in the blink of an ion exploding. And then came the final transmission from the nation that had started the entire mess - it was a desperate headline screamed by a hundred dying newscasters. Their rant continued until it was just blackness.

What were they saying? As the Jews watched, some gasped, others cried, and a few even laughed. For the last words of the disappearing civilization were a condemnation.

"The Jews have caused all our problems - they left us here to face the mess they made."

"If the Jews hadn't taken all the best scientists and engineers, we could have defeated our enemies."

"Our enemies are the Jews! Kill all the Jews."

It took a little while, but the electronics experts pieced together what had happened on Earth during its last days Anti-Semitism, which had grown stronger and stronger since the Jews had left, had reached its pinnacle, and all the countries of the world had decided to launch a massive attack on the moon.

The attack had been coordinated by the United Nations and, although all the missiles had been launched properly, there was some sort of glitch in the targeting system, resulting in all the weapons colliding in the upper atmosphere and showering the Earth with a deadly rain of nuclear fire, electronic destruction and a generally bad day. The mistake triggered the military response of all the nations - (who all had nuclear weapons by then -plus a few other horrid toys) and the result was truly an Armageddon. The Jews on the moon went into a period of deep mourning. The Orthodox rent their clothing and there were mass counselling sessions.
And then, about one week after the BIG DAY, as it was now called, a presence was detected heading towards the moon. Had one of the missiles escaped? Were the Jews doomed after all?

The leaders checked with the defence experts - no, this was not a missile, it was an old-style spacecraft, like the ones used in the early seventies. As it approached, the laser defence was trained on the craft. Debates raged as to whether the craft should be destroyed or allowed to get close enough to communicate with.A message from the ship came just in time. It said, "We are the last representatives from Earth - two from each country and we come in peace."

Some Jews rejoiced that there were survivors, others demanded isolation or death of the approaching group. The Rabbi who had had the vision of earth's destruction told the leaders that G-d wanted them to have a chance, so they were allowed to circle the moon. When told they could have a section of land to themselves to farm and repopulate, the Earthlings were upset. They told the Jews that they should be allowed to live with the Jews and have all the same privileges - because, after all, in Judaism, the stranger is given the same rights and privileges as the citizen.

Upon hearing this, the leaders went to the Rabbi with the visions, and he offered to guide the visitors to their new home. The leaders allowed him to give the instructions for landing. Of course, not trusting the Rabbi, the commander of the ship didn't listen to his advice and instead crashed into a lunar crater.

And so we have the final days of the history of the planet Earth, which have been generously shared with us by the Jewish colony of the 453rd Solar System of the M Galaxy. Although the Earth is currently uninhabitable, the head engineer of the Jewish colony on Mars tells us that Venus will be fully colonized by the year 2120, and with continuous replanting, Earth will once again be ready for Jews returning from other planets in the year 2136.

An interesting side note - inside the wreckage of the rocket with the survivors from Earth was a specially marked package that had survived which included the following words:

"Once there was a great planet named the Earth. And there were many peoples on this planet, and they all existed peacefully with each other, except for the Jews Wherever there were Jews, there was trouble. Jews brought dirt and death and hatred and strife. They were finally banished from our planet, only to take with them many great inventors and scientists and doctors, leaving Earth with nothing. We have decided to destroy the remnants of the Jews, and since the first attempt failed, we are the last chance for Earth. Whoever shall find this will know the truth - It was all the Jews' fault."

This panel has been saved and is on display at the Earth Memorial Museum at Rivka Crater, NW, for all travellers who wish to see the remains of a civilization that did not understand the words - "he who blesses the Jews, is himself blessed, he who curses the Jews, is himself cursed"' Shalom.

2009-02-09T01:16:00.001-08:00

Sic Transit Gloria Socialista

My friends, it’s official – I am a Likudnik. Oy, my grandparents (socialists of the Old School) and my great-grandfather (who campaigned for a Labour Safety Law) are for sure spinning in their graves. But you see that’s what this country does to you. It’s very nice to discuss the Situation in the Middle East from your comfortable Italian designer soft leather armchair, enjoying a nice glass of Merlot wine while nibbling on some Roquefort cheese, but it’s a different story when you are under attack. And don’t get me wrong – under attack we are here in the Holy Land. Not only by the Grad missiles (or the Grad 2.0 that will be hitting my little town within the next two years – mark my words) from Gaza, but also from the international media, that justify any anti-Jewish/anti-Israel opinion or statement – no matter how warped. So after voting moderate left-wing for two decades or so, I am now officially a hawk. Damn, it really feels good!

Voting in Israel is an Event – celebrated with an official national holiday. Yep, you don’t get time off for moving apartments, but you do get time off for voting, which will only take up to 30 minutes or so of your time. Needless to say, it’s a brutal waste of money in my opinion. When I made alyah 12 years ago and got the invitation to vote, I was convinced that I would get a secret code or something like which would enable me to vote via my cell phone. Or at least via Internet! But no, high-tech Israel (where even pumping gas with your company car is fully automated – courtesy of the Israeli Dalkan system), voting will take you back to the time of the British Mandate. You see, this is how it goes.

You go to your local voting station, which is a school or community center in your neighborhood, No need to check the street number – just go where there are heaps of people loudly discussion politics. You can recognize the different supporters by their T-shirts/caps/promotional garb on their illegally parked cars. Don’t make eye contact – just head for the entrance door. Once you are inside, you have to figure out where to go. The invitation should have a number, unless you didn’t receive it, in which case you call the “Moked” (the hotline) and ask. Don’t try to go by something as simple as the first letter of your family name – it wouldn’t fly. OK, now you are inside and you walk up to a table with 3 people – think American Idol jury without attractive people like Paula Abdul. The triumvirate (m/f) has huge ledgers in front of them that any ship captain from the time of Sir Francis Drake would have been proud of. One takes your identity card and the other two try to find you in the ledger. The previous time I voted, they could not find me under the D, although both my given and family name starts with that letter. After 20 minutes, I was located under “Dayan” - although I have no connection to that illustrious family at all. Once identified, you are sent to the voting booth itself, which is a carton box around an old rickety-rack table. I was afraid to sneeze and bring it all tumbling down. On the table are little pieces of paper (see photo) with up to three Hebrew letters on it. I felt like an idiot – I was used in Europe to vote using an interactive computer touch screen (I still vote for the national and European Parliament – trying to keep the radicals out). You vote by putting the Hebrew letter(s) piece of paper that represents your favorite party in an envelope that you then place in the secured voting box (that looks like a recycling bin – how fitting!). Only then do you get your identity card back and are you allowed to leave. My fitness trainer is one of the polling station people in her neighborhood, so I am looking forwards to her stories. Counting votes is done by hand, under the beady eyes of the different party representatives. I don’t envy her – it will be mayhem all around. (But it does pay well!) It’s good that she used to be an Olympic weightlifter – tempers flare and fists fly.

The elections tomorrow will quite likely be a Likud victory with Netanyahu as the new PM. I would be happy about that – Bibi is an economic genius and the Likud has some good people on list, not in the least BennyBegin (son of the late Menachem and one of the few truly honest and truthful politicians). Our country and the Western world need a strong Israeli government – for all our sakes and our democracies.

So there it is – after several generations of peace-loving socialists, I am the first polictial hawk in my family. Please don’t tell my sister – she is whipping up a gourmet meal in her safe Euro 25,000 designer kitchen in Europe…..and still voting Labour!

2008-07-29T02:53:00.000-07:00

Living the high life in Tel Aviv

Last weekend, I was having coffee with a friend who is active in one of the olim societies here in Israel. He told me that he met two new immigrants (mother and daughter) who announced that they want to live in a spacious seafront apartment in Tel Aviv North. Both of us burst into Homeric laughter. Don’t get me wrong – we were not making fun of the ladies, just of their native dream…..

Tel Aviv is not only one of the most expensive cities in Israel (and in EMEA), but also ranks 14th on the Mercer’s Cost of Living 2008 list. For comparison, New York ranked 22nd…….The survey compares more than 200 goods and services in 143 cities around the globe. Well, you get the picture, don’t you?

The neighborhood that the ladies prefer can be compared to me wanting to live in the Upper East Side of Manhattan – unless you have a few millions to burn, not quite feasible. Cost of housing is high all over Israel, with only places like Sderot as an exception (for obvious reasons).

The country is small to start with, and most jobs are concentrated in the Tel Aviv – HaSharon area. Yes, you can find a job in the Haifa area or Jerusalem, but your salary will be substantially lower. The majority of your salary will be gobbled up by your rent or mortgage, with car and petrol expenses being the second major cost factor. This doesn’t bother the rich and mega-rich. They buy up real estate like it’s a monopoly game.

British billionaire Ephraim Shahmoon bought no fewer than nine apartments in the TreeTop Towers in Tel Aviv, followed by two more flats in Yoo Towers forking out a total of NIS 60 million (The average apartment goes for less than NIS 1 million) .

Billionaire heiress Shari Arison, who among other things owns the controlling interests in Israel's biggest bank, Hapoalim, and in the development company Property & Building. She lives in an apartment in Bavli, Tel Aviv and owns a penthouse in Gindi Holdings' "G" project in Tel Aviv.
Local entertainer Eli Yatzpan owns an apartment in Hamashtela, in North Tel Aviv, another one in the Manhattan Project in Park Tzameret, Tel Aviv, and a third one in nearby Pinkas Street.
Builder Alfred Akirov owns duplex apartments in several of his own projects, including in the Opera Tower on the Tel Aviv shoreline and in the TreeTop Towers.
Diamond baron Benny Steinmetz owns a double penthouse in Yoo.

If you think that this is unfair, just read on!
These real estate collectors, Israeli and non-Israeli, don’t even live permanently in Israel, and don’t bother to rent out their properties. They prefer to just let them sit there empty, managed by asset management companies. It’s their safety net against the rising tide of anti-Semitism and a nice pied-à-terre for family occasions and the High Holidays.

If you want to live the high life in Tel Aviv, make sure to have a high income – Euros preferred……..

2008-07-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

Fun in the sun – Israeli style

Israel is hot – as a country and during the summer.
Funny enough, Sabras always seem to be surprised when the heat strikes.
It’s a phenomenon I also witnessed during winter, when it rains. And during Pesach when they cannot buy hametz. And when….. OK, let’s stop here; it will be too boring to go into details. But you get my drift.
Before the summer starts, there are heat waves (called hamsim or sharaf) that I see as a warming-up exercise for the sizzling summer. In the years I have been here, one always strikes during Pesach, which throws all of us in a slight panic due to the food poisoning risk at the seder.

But I diverge. Let’s go back to our current summer.
Going to the beach here is a health hazard – in more than one way.
For starters, Israel has one of the highest levels of Melanoma skin cancer in the world – only Australia and New Zealand have more patients. This doesn’t stop my fellow Israelis from happily exposing their scantily dressed, chubby bodies (m/f) to the baking sun.

Forget about reading a novel or dozing off – the ice cream (or Artik as it is locally known) seller will happily shout “ARTIK” while plopping through the sand on his Naots (aka Jezus Nikes) or Crocs. The chances that your sun-lotioned body and/or food items and/or novel or news paper will thus get sand on it are 100%, not in the least since the A-man will pass you at least every 15 minutes.

Once you get up and decide to stroll along the flood line (or to wash off the sand that is sticking to your body), your life is in real danger. Sabras invented their own version of a recreational ball sport, called matkot. It’s played with big sized racquets, making the same annoying plock, plock sound as ping-pong bats do. The ball whizzes past your head (if you are lucky) or hits one of your body parts (more likely). When this happens, don’t expect an apology – you will get the “you are a freyer (m) or freyerit (f)” look – so you proceed at your own peril.

The brave ones that survived the matkot onslaught (driving with Danica Patrick is safer, trust me!), and are now dipping into the waters of the Mediterranean. But be careful, there are strong riptides, whirlpools, and undertows – hence the many lifeguards you see. They may not look like Baywatch babes, but they do know their business.

So now you are relaxing in the warm water, the sun shining down on you. Hey, what’s that stinging feeling?! Yep, you have been touched by a medusa (not to be confused with the Gorgon Medusa) - a nasty jellyfish. These medusot (plural of medusa) make our lives a living hell for several months.

All that excitement must make you hungry, so you need some nourishment.
There is no lack of (comfort) food in this part of the world – no matter what you are looking for, you will find it. Depending where you are, don’t be surprised to find beach restaurants that serve treife food such as shrimps in our Jewish State. And there are lots of soft drinks, beers and wines to wash it down with.
Israeli restaurants are noisy and smoking is prohibited. But don’t be surprised if you see someone happily puffing away on his/her cancer stick. You have to handle this the Israeli way – if you are also a smoker, light one up yourself; if not, create a stir. You have to threaten the owner that you will report him and he will have to pay a knas (fine). Trust me; this is far more effective than starting a conversation with the smoker, especially if it’s a 30-year old woman looking like Donatella Versace or Iggy Pop.

Leaving a tip is a tricky business – service is in general mediocre compared to Europe and the US. The reason is simple: waiters and waitresses in Israel are often students and not professionally trained graduates from IHTTI.
In case you are in doubt if tipping is required or not – just check your bill and you will see one line (at the bottom) aggressively highlighted by a yellow text marker. No matter how poor your Hebrew is – the message is clear: 10%-15% is expected. Humor doesn’t work – I once told a rude waiter that my tip was “give better service”. I came perilously close to receiving a head wound, so be warned my sweetie (or motek, in the local lingo).

Talking about lingo - one of the fun things of being exposed to any gathering of more than 4 Israelis - you will hear multiple languages. On the beach, in restaurants, in the street (and last but not least in the office!) – your fellow Israelis are happily yapping away in Hebrew, Russian, French (especially in Netanya and Ra’anana), Spanish, English (by the “Anglos”) and a plethora of other languages. The lingua franca is Hebrew (or English if you deal with monolingual Americans) that is routinely slaughtered by olim chadashim and vatikim (new and seasoned immigrants) alike -myself included!.
It says a lot about the flexibility of the Sabras that they still are able to figure out what the Hackensack we are trying to say – no easy feat!

So if you want fun in the sun – go ahead, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!
And don’t forget to drink lots of water and put on heaps of sun block (o dear, do I sound like a Polish mother?!)

2006-12-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

Who was Harry Bingham and why is he getting a stamp?

Hiram (or Harry) Bingham, IV was an amazing human being.
He came from an illustrious family.
His father (whom the fictional character Indiana Jones was based) was the archeologist who unearthed the Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru, in 1911.
Harry entered the US diplomatic service and, in 1939, was posted to Marseilles, France, as American Vice-Consul.

The USA was then neutral. President Roosevelt's government ordered its representatives in Marseilles not to grant visas to any Jews, since the administation didn't want to annoy Marshal Petain's puppet Vichy regime.
Bingham found this policy immoral and, risking his career, did all in his power to undermine it.
In defiance of his bosses in Washington, he granted over 2,500 USA visas to Jewish and other refugees, including the artists Marc Chagall and Max Ernst and the family of the writer Thomas Mann.
He also sheltered Jews in his Marseilles home, and obtained forged identity papers to help Jews in their dangerous journeys across Europe.
He worked with the French underground to smuggle Jews out of France into Franco's Spain or across the Mediterranean and even contributed to their expenses out of his own pocket.
In 1941, Washington lost patience with him.
He was sent to Argentina, where later he continued to annoy his superiors by reporting on the movements of Nazi war criminals.
Eventually, he was forced out of the American diplomatic service completely.
Bingham died almost penniless in 1988.

Little was known of his extraordinary activities until his son found some letters in his belongings after his death.
In 2001, Harry Bingham was portraited in the movie "Varian's War".

After fifty years, Bingham finally got the recognition he deserves.
A few months ago, Secretary of State Colin Powell gave a posthumous award for "constructive dissent" to Bingham, finally and officially recognizing him as a hero.
A stamp honoring this amazing man can be purchased at any US postoffice.

Bingham is now been honored by many groups and organizations including the United Nations and the State of Israel.

2006-10-22T02:49:00.000-07:00

Let me guess, you always thought that the Western Wall is Jewish, correct?
And that our Kotel is a remaining wall of the Second Temple?

Surprise: according to Dr. Hassan Khader, founder of the popular Al Quds Encyclopedia, “Jews have no historical connection to the Western Wall, which is actually the "Al-Buraq Wall."

In case you wonder what or who “Al-Buraq” was – it’s the name of Muhammad’s horse (the one of prophet fame).

According to Khader’s Grimm’s fairytale, the Al-Buraq Wall was similar to a space station location - the landing pad of Al-Buraq.
After landing safely, M. tied his horse to the wall.
I wonder if that was done to prevent the stallion from flying off again?
That’s the trouble with winged mammals - just check with Harry Potter if you don't believe me.

With a blatant disregard for historical timelines, Dr. K. goes on claiming that the Israelis arrived 1,400 years later, conquered Jerusalem and made the wall into their special place of worship and pray.
He happily went on stating that the first Jewish connection to this site started in the 16th century.
Needless to say, this academic Peter Pan believes that Islam has “ancient roots” to the location.
Well, anything dating from the Middle Ages is not considered “ancient” in the Middle East.
The fact that the Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 and Mohammed was born in 570 doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

Unfortunately, Khader is not the only creative history writer.
According to Kamal Hatib, vice-chairman of the Islamic Movement, the Al-Aqsa Mosque was built by angels before King Solomon built the First Temple.
According to Hatib, the temple was therefore built outside of Jerusalem, due to lack of space.
The discrepancy of 1,400 years is not addressed.
Let’s faces it, it’s not easy getting the worksheet of angels to contradict these history hooligans.

There are Islamic scholars who disagree.
A former senior leader of the Waqf said that he believes that the first and second Jewish temples existed and stood at the current location of the Al Aqsa Mosque.
He based this on stories passed down by Al Aqsa custodians for centuries from generation to generation indicating the mosque was built at the site of the former Jewish temples.
According to him, most of the first guards of Al Aqsa were Jews.
Needless to say, once he made his beliefs known, he was promptly sacked.

In my humble opinion, Mr. Mahmoud Abbas should use his state-run TV station to broadcast outlines of peace proposals.
If he is more interested in TV fiction, creating an Palestinian Sesame Street program would be a better option…and Al-Buraq can replace Big Bird!

2006-08-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

KISS of hope.

Once an Israeli, always an Israeli – opinionated and compassionate.

According to Fox, Gene Simmons of KISS, born Haim Witz in the heavily hit town of Haifa, sent a video message to wounded soldier and KISS-fan Ron Weinreich.
Ron is one of Hezbollah’s many victims - paralyzed from the chest down.
Due to his injuries, the wedding of Ron’s brother was relocated to his hospital room in order for him to attend.
At the wedding, Ron received the following message from his rock hero:

"Hi Ron, this is Gene Simmons. I'm talking to you from my home. I can't tell you how proud I am of you, and how much the world and Israel owes you a debt of gratitude. From the bottom of my heart, you are a real hero, you are everybody's hero, you are my hero and I wish I could be there with you."

Suddenly switching to confident Hebrew, Simmons added:
"My name is Chaim, I was born in Haifa."

He concluded by saying in English:
"I wish you my best, a happy life and I hope the wedding comes off and everybody should honor you because you are a real hero."

Kol HaKavod, Haim!

2006-08-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

The Anti-Semitic Passion of Gibson

Last Friday, Mel Gibson was arrested in the early hours for speeding along the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, the famous beach town North of Los Angeles.
Well, happens to best of us, you might think (although most of us don’t drive around in a Lexus).

Although Gibson was under the influence, the arresting officer told the actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated.
Fair enough, I would think.
But what does our thespian do?
He drunkenly informed the deputy: “I'm not going to get in your car," and promptly bolted.
Our law enforcement officer quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.
Up till now, nothing special.
But instead of keeping his mouth shut, Australia’s import started acting out.
"You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you," he informed the policeman.
After these crude words, Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."
Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"
(The deputy wisely refrained from answering).

When this Gibson Monologue escalated, the officer called ahead for a sergeant to meet them as soon as they would arrive at the station.
Upon arrival, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and said: "What the f*** do you think you're doing?"
Gibson then noticed a female sergeant and yelled:
"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"
I personnally applaud the police force for their restraint.
(BTW, if you are interested, you can download the report from the entertainment website www.tmz.com).

The next day, after spending the night in a detox cell and posting $5,000 bail, Mel G. apologized for driving while drunk and for his "belligerent behavior" towards the deputy sheriffs who arrested him.
Mmmm, doesn’t sound like a sincere apology to me.
I also miss the reference to his anti-Semitic remarks.
Not that I am surprised, mind you.
For one, Gibson is a staunch Catholic (nothing wrong there), but he shares many beliefs of the Traditionalist Catholic movement, not known for their tolerance.
This sect rejects some or all reforms started by the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s.
I find it quite funny that he became so successful in Hedonist Hollywood.
But it would explain the private chapel Mel built.
The Holy Family Catholic Church is run out of Gibson's AP Reilly Foundation, a charity he and his wife established for the sole purpose of creating the church.
The Holy Family Catholic Church is run out of Gibson's Icon Production company offices, with an Icon employee responsible for keeping the church's books and Gibson and his wife Robyn as directors. All their donations are - of course - tax free/deductable......pennywise, but definitely not pound-foolish!

And then their is our Mel’s father, Hutton Gibson, who has repeated claimed that the Holocaust was exaggerated.
According to Gibson Père, Jews are out to create "one world religion and one world government" and outlined a conspiracy theory involving Jewish bankers, the US Federal Reserve and the Vatican, among others.
Oy vey!

To come back to the current peccadilloes of M.G. - the media (including the New York Times and Fox) jumped on the story, not in the least due to the current wars raging in the Middle East.
Thanks to the worldwide web, the story spread like wildfire.
As the New York Times correctly pointed out, in a little over 24 hours, Mr. Gibson’s arrest and subsequent behavior in Malibu had already prompted talk of a claimed cover-up, an exposé, worldwide news coverage, an apology and then a full-blown push for alcohol rehabilitation, even as his representatives and executives at the Hope Hartman, a spokeswoman for Disney’s ABC television network, said the company was dropping its plans to produce a Holocaust-themed miniseries in collaboration with Mr. Gibson.
The reason given: “it’s been nearly two years and we have yet to see the first draft of a script, we have decided to no longer pursue this project with Icon.”
Gibson’s production company Icon started developing this four-hour miniseries for ABC, in what was widely seen as an effort to patch up his relations with parts of the Jewish community after his “Passion of Christ” movie.

Needless to say, this is a huge relief - I think all of us want to forfeit this "treat".
To quote Rabbi Marvin Hier, head of the Simon Wiesenthal Center:
“I don’t think he should be doing a film on the Holocaust.
It would be like asking someone associated with the K.K.K. to do a movie on the African-American experience.”

There is a famous Latin expression: “in vino veritas” – therefore, one remark our Mel (who promptly checked into rehab) made, hits home: “My life is f****d.”

On a final note, if you look at his photo, you see an uncanny resemblance to another notorious anti-Semite…

2006-07-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

Be Sweet with Elite to the IDF

The news today is far from sweet – no disarmament (let alone defeat) of Hezbollah in sight.
As usual, the Forces Outside are ganging up again against us, Israel, once again.
Well, we are used to it – we have been blamed for everything under the sun, including the death of Princess Diana.

I agree, the UN accident was unfortunate, but weren’t they supposed to keep the peace? And not move from their location?
And Mr. Anan, before you trash us again in global media court, could you please wait for the investigation to end?
BTW, aren’t you and your son under investigation for fraud?
Or are you hiding behind “innocent until proven guilty?”
You have a flexible yardstick, don’t you Kofi Dear?

Going back to the sweet issue at hand, Israeli chocolate maker Elite has launched a great campaign.
Together with the Heritage Affinity Services credit card, they created a special webpage where you can click to send a personal message of support and a chocolate bar to an Israeli soldier for free.
It will take 24-hours for your message to appear on the website – Cyberterrorism of our Arab cousins and other anti-Semite ignorani is rampant.

Please be a mensch and send a chocolate bar and your personal message – it’s only a mouse click away!

http://www.websense-media.co.il/has_200706/default.asp?gid=friend

2006-07-24T03:18:00.000-07:00

How Isrealis try to claim war damages compensation from Lebanon

The current conflict (as the news channels phrase it - from where I am sitting, it's more like a three-front war) raging in the Middle East, has taken a legal dimension.

Israel blames Lebanon for not complying with the UN resolutions and dismantling Hezbollah, the initiator of all the present violence.
And what is an effective way to make a government pay?
Yep, a lawsuit!

Israeli attorneys Yehudah Talmon, Yoram Danziger, and Nitzah Libai are presenting a symbolic lawsuit to against Lebanese government in a US civil court.
They are suing for compensation to be paid to Israeli businesses and citizens for war damages.
More specifically, the claim states that the Lebanese government is responsible for damages caused to residents of Israel since it didn't prevent Hezbollah from acting from its territory to harm Israeli citizens, thus violating the International Convention for the Suppression of Terrorism.

The legal team of lawyers and accountants include the former Chief Administrator of the Courts and judge, Dan Arbel, Attorneys Yoram Danziger, Nitzah Libay and the office of Ziv Haft Public Accountants.
The team has been swamped with petitions from tens of citizens, most of them business owners, who want to participate in the lawsuit.
There is no fear that they will forfeit other legal options.
Although by law, a civilian who is suing the state for compensation claims is not allowed to sue other bodies, the current claim is a complementary one, intended to recover money to people that the Israeli government will not recover.
The demand for compensation will be for loss of clientele, damage to sales, and damage to manufacturing capability – the things the government does not compensate for.

What are the chances of winning the lawsuit?
Better then it might look at prima facie, since there is a precedent.
A few years ago, a similar claim was submitted in the United States against the Iranian government for damaging property belonging to American citizens.
The prosecutors won.

Thus, Lebanon, as a sovereign state, was violating international law by permitting Hezbollah to hurt Israelis from its land.
The lawyers are confident that once they win, the Lebanese government will recognize the claim and pay the money.
They base this on the fact that the Lebanese government conducts business with the US and maintains property in the United States.
Therefore, it is possible to collect money from Lebanon without its consent.
For sure, this is a lawsuit to watch – who knows, the pen might be mightier than the sword……

2006-07-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

Coming to America – the Israeli coffee chain Aroma

Israel is a coffee loving nation.

There are several chains of cozy and trendy coffee shops (of the caffeine kind, not the leafy ones), where you can sit, chat and enjoy a wide variety of coffees, salads, sandwiches and cakes.

For impatient types like me, there is the coffee-to-go aka Israel’s answer to Starbucks.
Starbucks tried to enter the Israeli market, but left at the same time the US invaded Iraq.
(No, I am not making a political point here – I blame Bush for many things but not for Starbucks pulling out of the Israeli market).

One of the successful chains in Israel is “Aroma”, which I patronize frequently.
The chain opened its first small espresso bar-style café based in Jerusalem in 1994.
It was the brainchild of two young brothers, Yariv and Sahar Shefa, who wanted to offer us coffee lovers inexpensive but top-quality coffee-to-go.

Nowadays, the chain has a national coverage of 72 branches and is going global.
The ambitious Shefa brothers want to add 40 branches in the USA (California and Florida for starters) and Canada (starting with Toronto).

They just opened their first foreign branch in NYC near Houston Street in Manhattan’s posh SoHo district.
The NY flagship branch will have the distinct Aroma branding of red-black-white color scheme and spaceship-like design.
The menu will be an adapted one – both in taste and in names.
To be PC, the famous Iraqi sandwich will be offered as the “Grilled Vegetable Mediterranean Sandwich”, and burekas will be sold as “treat burka”.

Will Aroma make it in the Big Apple?
Quite likely.
The prices are reasonable: USD 3 for a cup of coffee, USD 5-11 per sandwich, USD 4 for a Burekas, and USD 9 for a salad bowl.
Aroma prepares the food in its own kitchen, in contrast to Starbucks.
They are first targeting Israelis living in New York and New Yorkers familiar with Aroma Israel.
Aroma USA is positioning itself as a US brand, so don’t expect menus, newspapers and TV channels in Hebrew.
The ordering system will be different from the Israeli one as well – your name will not be announced over the speaker when your order is ready, and the Israeli “What would you like to order?” will be replaced with “Welcome to Aroma”.

If you are in Manhattan and want a taste of Aroma’s traditional sandwiches or just an Aroma coffee that is warm (not piping hot) served with a complimentary chocolate, visit Aroma's SoHo branch.
It's not kosher, but its made-to-order low fat salads, soups and muesli, can be enjoyed 24/7.

2006-07-03T04:33:00.000-07:00

A great Israeli success story is ICQ.
The name is a oronym (wordplay) on the phrase “I seek you”.

In case you are interested, ICQ is an instant messaging computer program that allows allows the sending of text messages with offline support, URLs, multi-user character-by-character chats, resumable file transfers, SMSes, greeting cards and more.
Other features included a searchable user directory and POP3 email support.

In 1996, four young Israelis Arik Vardi, Yair Goldfinger, Sefi Vigiser and Amnon Amir started a company called Mirabilis with ICQ as their flagship product.
Yossi Vardi, the father of founder Arik Vardi funded Mirabilis when no others would touch it.
He travelled frequently promoting Mirabilis and was known for publicly stating the company's revenue goal was zero.
This was intentionally - the company’s CEO often stated that the company did not have a plan for revenue, since large revenues would come later in the form of advertising revenues, upgraded services and back-end selling.

Their marketing concept was unique: viral marketing.
Mirabilis depended on the users to spread the word about the product.
This way, friends would encourage their friends to join so they could communicate to each other. This established a powerful network effect as prospective users strongly preferred the system where their friends were likely to be.

Mirabilis made sure that it was very easy to spread the word.
For example, they used standard e-mail to invite friends to join, but also software instructed to scan address books for sending all recipients invitation letters.
In contrast to competitor MCI, Mirabilis stayed away from telemarketing and never contacted a potential user during dinnertime.
As a result, they were the first mover into the market and gained a large market share rapidly and at a low cost.
This lead to the ultimate dot.com dream – they were bought up by AOL for $200 million.
AOL keeps the viral marketing philosophy going.

To quote Ted Leonsis of AOL in Newsweek:
“The less you do, the more it grows”.

2006-06-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

The Hack Attack

Cyberterrorism is not new –therefore none of us should be surprised that more than 750 Israeli websites were recently hacked within a few hours.
The victims were: Soldier’s Treasury Bank, Rambam Hospital, and Globus Group ticket center.
When surfers tried to access these websites, they got the message:
You’re killing Palestinians, we’re killing servers

The hackers are members of the Moroccan “Team Evil” group, responsible for most of the website damage in Israel in the past year.

In April 2006, Team Evil succeeded in hacking into several sites of medium-sized but recognized Israeli companies, including those of the “Shilav” children’s store, “The Blue Square” supermarket and McDonald’s.

The top evillenius happily informed the world that they are
“a group of Moroccan hackers that hack into sites as part of the resistance in the war with Israel. We attack Israeli sites every day. This is our duty…hacking is not a crime.”
Well, obviously this guy didn’t go to law school - hacking is as legal as suicide bombing……

They also don’t seem to understand that hacking a website is not exactly an effective way of putting pressure on a government or army.
That doesn’t stop another group member from remarking:
“we want Israel to stop fighting. Stop killing children and we’ll stop hacking.”
According to their spokesman, the group’s members are all Moroccan youths, under the age of 20, which explains a lot.

The irony is, that they almost for sure use Israeli programs and tools for their cyberattacks.
My suggestion to them: put all that brainpower and energy to good use and start a Moroccan Silicon Valley….

2006-06-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

The Case of the Cursing Parrot

We all read stories or watched pirate movies with cursing parrots perched on the shoulder of a mean, one-legged sailor.
Well, such a bird is currently making headlines.
The Bird (name unknown) has the habit of screaming phrases such as “maniac”, “homo” and “son of a bitch” at regular intervals.
The bird belonged to an orthodox Jew, who bought it as a pet for his kids. Needless to say, he was not too happy by the verbal outbursts of the creature.
I am still puzzled that he didn’t find that characteristic out before he purchased the bird, but who am I? Anyway, the pater familias went to the rabbi to find out how to handle the feathery culprit.
The rabbi informed him that the parrot should be slaughtered since he “sins and causes others to sin.”
Personally, I thought that you only sinned if you purposely commit an act that is sinful, but obviously, I am wrong (being a woman and not orthodox probably accounts for that).
The family father is a patient of a holistic doctor who decided to come to the bird’s rescue. No good deed goes unpunished, so the good doctor had to fork over $ 3,000 to save it from death row. The doctor was now stuck with a bird that has quite a mouth on it.
So how did our medical professional handle the situation? Yep, you guessed it – he consulted a rabbi!
The second rabbi recommended that the poor parrot either be put to death or have his tongue severed, which brings back images of mediaeval witch trials, doesn’t it?.

The story hid the headlines and all kinds of organizations and individuals came to the bird’s defense; some of them even protested in front of the doctor’s house.
The “Let Animals Live Foundation” took it a step further and applied to the court to prevent the pending execution (or tongue mutilation). In its petition, the Foundation stated that there is a reasonable basis to assume the parrot will be subjected to suffering and cruelty. Therefore, the court must interfere with a restraining order. The ruling judge agreed and issued an injunction protecting the parrot from being harmed in any way. For now, our feathered friend is safe.
The order will apply until a further decision is made. In the next few days, a deliberation will be held and the court will seal the parrot’s fate. Our good doctor is planning to attend the court session accompanied by the parrot in question.
Let’s hope the bird will not engage in foul language in court – that’s the prerogative of lawyers!

2006-05-09T02:06:00.000-07:00

What got into Yehoshua?

Author A.B. Yehoshua is one of the most respected Israeli authors.
Intelligent, articulate, insightful.
It was therefore surprising to hear him at the centennial celebration of theAmerican Jewish Committee in May 2006 in Washington, DC.

As one of the panel members, Yehoshua passionately claimed that only theState of Israel can ensure the survival of the Jewish people.
With wild gestures, he claimed:
"For me, Avraham Yehoshua, there is no alternative...I cannot keep my identity outside Israel. [Being] Israeli is my skin, not my jacket. You are changing jackets... you are changing countries like changing jackets. I have my skin, the territory".
The flabbergasted audience was told that Israeli Jews live a Jewish life in a totality that the American Jews do not know.

Nice way to go, Avraham, especially since Israel exists thanks to the unwavering support of the US and its Jewish population.
Needless to say, not all Israelis agreed.
Efraim Halevy, former head of the Mossad, distanced himself from Yehoshua's statements, emphasizing that Israel goes to great effort to help Jewish communities around the world, proving that that Israel finds the Jewish Diaspora important for its existence.

Leon Wieseltier, literary editor of the New Republic, strongly objected to the bold statements.
He told Yehoshua that he took the concept “Jewish” and narrowed it down to “Israeli”.
He got a point there – Yehoshua failed to take into account that 20% of the Israelis are non-Jews. So where does that leave them?
I agree with Wieseltier that the concept of Judaism existed long before the State of Israel was created.
To quote Wieseltier:
"There is Jewish religion, Jewish culture, Jewish literature, texts that have been with us form 3,000 years. Why do you insist on narrowing it down to Israeliness?”

The panel moderator, charismatic news anchor Ted Koppel kept his cool, although he was obviously offended.
He pointed out to Yehoshua that all the contributions of Diaspora Jews ensured the continuity of the Jews as a people and could therefore not be disregarded.

In the newspaper the Jerusalem Post, Yehoshua voiced his surprise at the uproar over his arguments.
"It seems to me obvious that our Jewish life in Israel is more total than anywhere outside Israel. I think this is common sense.
If they were goyim they would understand it right away."
So does that mean that the goyim understand him better than his fellow Jews?

Yehoshua’s views represent the traditional Zionist one:
Jews who live outside this country and do not play a part in its cultural development will either be destroyed or assimilate.
To some extend, this is correct – more than 6M. (Bar and Bat Mitzvah) Jews have been assimilated and “lost” in the US alone. This is a frightening number, but is making Israel the sole Jewish enclave in the world the answer?
In my opinion, Israel needs the Diaspora Jews as much and the Diaspora Jews need Israel.

With all due respect to Mr. A. B. Yehoshua, I strongly disagree with his viewpoint.
The vitriolic response that he received in and outside of Israel (especially in the blogosphere) had more to do with the way he delivered his message than the content alone.
Let’s face it, it’s extremely poor taste to criticize one’s gracious host in such a public setting.

Next time, the American Jewish Committee might consider inviting Amos Oz when discussing "The Future of the Past: What will become of the Jewish people?"

2006-03-30T03:47:00.000-08:00

The biggest surprise of the Israeli elections was not the victory of Kadima or the defeat of Likud, but the 7 seats that the “Gil Pensioners of Israel to the Knesseth” Party snagged.
This party is headed by Rafi Eitan, who is quite a character.

You see, Eytan used to be a former senior Mossad official and head of the branch dealing with technology and science during the Pollard affair.
He recruited Pollard, a navy intelligence analyst. He used Pollard as a spy against the US. Pollard and his than wife Ann were convicted for supplying Israel (via Eitan) with top secret information.
During the Pollards prosecution, Rafi Eitan and Aviem Sela of the IAF were also mentioned, but never indicted.
Sela, who was in the US at the time, fled to Israel and was never prosecuted.
Both of them avoid visiting the US, since they could face question about their role in the Pollard affair.

Eitan took full responsibility for recruiting Pollard:
"It was my decision and mine only. I took complete, absolute responsibility. I decided to take the risk, which was clear to me, although I didn't predict the affair would develop to such an extent. There's risk when using any agent."

He disputed the claim that Pollard's information led to revealing the identity of American spies operating in the Soviet Union.

Now that Eitan's party scored such a election victorty, two questions need to be ansered:

Will Eitan join the coalition and be appointed minister?
How will the US react to the new publicity linked to the (still) sensitive case of Pollard?

One thing is for sure: politics in Israel - never boring!

2006-02-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

An interesting candidate to watch in the upcoming Israeli elections is Tzvia Greenfield.
She is special in many ways.
She is a 59-year old mother-of-five, has a doctorate in political philosophy, is number 6 on the Meretz list and follows an ultra-Orthodox, American lifestyle.
Especially the last created lots of noise in the ultra-Orthodox community.
Ultra-Orthodox journalists objected to Tzvia calling defining herself as ultra-Orthodox, since (gasp!) she has a dog.
It seems that therefore, she doesn’t answer the social definition of ultra-Orthodox. (Confused? So am I!)
According to ultra-Orthodox journalist Kobi Arieli, you cannot have a dog and not detest the political party Meretz and be ultra-Orthodox.
So much for peaceful coexistence.
Greenfield pointed out that there is many American-type ultra-Orthodox in Har Nof (the stronghold of the Shas Party).
They are highly educated and some even have a television in their homes, but they maintain a strictly ultra-Orthodox lifestyle, including the centrality of Torah study, a certain mode of dress, a certain order to their daily routine and the observance of Shabbat and Jewish Festivals in a particular style.
Sounds kosher to me….
They also hold her field of expertise against her.
Although born in Israel and graduated from a Beis Yaakov ultra-Orthodox girls seminar, she went on to study general history and philosophy at Hebrew University.
What’s wrong with that, you might ask? Well, it seems that the ultra-Orthodox community finds secular history and philosophy unacceptable and dangerous.
I don’t quite understand why; I always thought that broadening your mind is healthy and prevent prejudice, racism, anti-Semitism, and the like.

Greenfield has a sharp, analytical mind combined with (lucky for her) a nice sense of humor. That would be a great asset in the Knesset, I tell you!

So what are her viewpoints on the main issues of life?
First of all, she is a strong advocate of going to work and maintain a life of Torah and productivity.
She points out that the ultra-Orthodox society doesn’t understand that it is impossible to impose their value system on others.
As we non-ultra-Orthodox know, it doesn’t take much to be at the receiving end of their contempt and even wrath by not complying with their lifestyle.

There is another reason Greenfield advocates to join the workforce.
The Halpert Law (which was passed by all the non-Zionist, ultra-Orthodox and Arab Knesset members alike, with the support of the Likud), increases child allowances for the fifth and subsequent child to NIS 850 a month.
The money comes from the taxes paid by the (non-ultra-Orthodox) working population whose children serve in the Israel Defense Forces (ultra-Orthodox are exempt).
The law also reinforces the ultra-Orthodox tendency to turn ultra-Orthodox women, or children, into a source of income.
When the income of an ultra-Orthodox family is dependent on the number of its children, intense pressure is exerted on women, excluding the possibility of having fewer children.

Greenfield is also in favor of civil marriage and divorce for the same reason.
She points out that Israel is the only democracy in the world in which a large group of people cannot marry.
And it gets better. She also wants homosexuals and lesbians to have the same status as any other citizen, which includes the right to marry and the right to realize any desire and any life plan that does not harm others.
In that aspect, she is for sure more liberal and tolerant than many Israelis!

Her view on rabbis in Israel is even more surprising.
She points out that they don’t do the Jewish people much good and are inefficient leaders.
They prevent change in order to preserve their positions of power.
Anyone of us who ever had to deal with the rabbinate in Israel can unfortunately confirm this.

Tzvia Greenfield will make a great Member of Knesset in my book.
After all the scandals, she might be the candidate of moral fiber, intelligence, and humor that we sorely need in this country.

And when asked if she asked a rabbi for permission to run for the Knesset, she answered:
“Of course not. There is no reason to do so. Why would it be important?
I can assure you that the Rambam did not ask a rabbi if he should be Salah a-Din's doctor. The problem is that the applicability of halakhic questions has expanded terribly and now includes all aspects of life.
The areas about which people ask questions have grown with no rhyme or reason.”

2006-02-10T03:29:00.000-08:00

There is an Israeli fashion designer to watch.

You may never have heard of Michal Negrin, but she is slowly conquering the world with her "Israeli Victorian romance" fashion.
Negrin has developed her personal passion for kitsch into glittering and colorful pieces of jewelry that are popular with women all over the world.
Negrin's successful designs include jewelry, clothes, curtains and upholstery, as well as lamps and cushions –all in her trademark frilly style.

Negrin career is quite impressive.
She and her husband left Kibbutz Na'an 15 years ago and moved to Tel Aviv.
She opened a small stall in the Nahalat Binyamin pedestrian mall where she sold her own jewelry creations.
These pieces embroidered with lace and small colorful glass stones were a hit and Negrin was smart enough to develop her own style that also became her trademark: shameless kitsch adorned with floral designs, images of angels and drawings of elaborately made-up ladies.
It radiates Victorian boudoir romance.
Michal Negrin is currently running a small business empire of 39 stores from Japan and Hong Kong to France and the United States.
Production is done in her Israeli factory in Bat Yom, where 150 immigrants from the CIS are employed.
Her fashion line includes jewelry, clothing, mezuzahs and bathroom upholstery as well as closet doorknobs.
She also produces special jewelry items for El Al, that can be purchase on board.
Kitsch doesn’t come cheaply – a simple pendant will easily cost you $50.
Negrin’s designs are in high demand, riding the current fashion wave for elaborate necklaces, chandelier earrings and baroque jewelry.

Her high-profile customers include Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Nicole Kidman, Britney Spears, Alicia Keys, Kim Bassinger, Uma Thurman, Dustin Hoffman, Joni Mitchell, Celine Dion and Jane Seymour.
Negrin jewelry has also featured in Britney's music videos and in the latest movie of Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Fashions come and go, but although her designs are definitely not my taste, I sincerely wish that the Michal Negrin Designs Ltd. keeps on prospering and expending.

2006-01-24T05:20:00.000-08:00

Let there be a prenup

Israeli couples heading for the chuppah are becoming clever.
The number of prenuptial agreements has risen spectacularly over the last few years.

More than 40 percent of the happy couples sign a prenuptial agreement before they get hitched - an increase of about 50 percent compared to the two previous years.

Most couples sign the contract a few months before the ceremony; the rest prefers to sign after the deed it done.

Not surprisingly, men are more likely to push for the prenup, while many women are still; willing to forego the contract even when they are better off than their partner.
The reason is quite likely the unfortunate habit of women to avoid tensions into the relationship.
Dumb, if you ask me.
If he splits up with you (or the other way around, doesn’t matter) over the prenuptial dispute, s/he was out for the money anyway.
So good riddance, I say.

Why are prenups new in Israel? There are several reasons.
First of all, the age of the average couple is rising, so it’s likely that partners already accumulated assets (especially own a house).
Secondly, the divorce rate is steadily climbing – a trend Israel has in common with most countries.

Last but not least, more and more couples choose a civil ceremony over a religious one, which makes the Israeli legal profession benefit from the attitude of the religious establishment towards marriage in Israel.

Still, if you really want to watch your back and safeguard your future, the best option is not to get married at all……just a thought.

2005-12-27T04:42:00.000-08:00

Trump to the rescue?

The mayor of the Israeli coastal city of Netanya, which was hit by a suicide bombing recently, said that billionaire Donald Trump is planning to help build a huge beachfront hotel complex there.

According to the mayor, Miriam Fireberg-Ikar, a top Trump business associate visited the city three times on his private jet and was planning to build a number of hotels on 38 acres of empty seaside real estate.
We are talking about 2,500 rooms in several three, four and five-star hotels at the southern end of Netanya's beach, next to an 8-mile promenade.

The Trump associate, Michael Dezer, claims that there are plans for a $500 million hotel complex, despite the recent a suicide bomber who killed himself and five others at the city's main mall.
Dezer came up with the hotel idea six months ago when Fireberg-Ikar was visiting Miami. He said he contacted Trump, who agreed to join the project.

Netanya was actually named after the philanthropist Nathan Straus, the owner of Macy's department store in New York at the turn of the century. The city is located 20 miles north of Tel Aviv and boasts some of Israel's best beaches.
Netanya has been among the Israeli cities hardest hit by terrorism, severely damaging its tourism industry.
According to Israeli-born Dezer, “Bombings are a part of life in Israel. We are used to it, and it doesn't change a thing."

Needless to say, the Israeli media jumped on this story.
The leading Israeli daily Maariv ran a front-page headline reading:
"Coming Soon: Trump Hotels in Netanya."

However, Trump spokeswoman Norma Foerderer would not confirm the involvement of the star of NBC's hit reality show "The Apprentice", saying it was "premature" to talk about the Netanya project.

That makes me wonder…is it a clever PR trick of Fireberg-Ikar to boost the image of her city? Time will tell, but in the mean time, linking her own and the city’s name to the Trumpster is not a bad move at all….

2005-12-21T06:24:00.000-08:00

No matter how much the economy suffers, the wedding & bar/t mitzvah industry still flourishes.
Following the lead from the USA, each event has to be grandiose and outshine all the previous ones.
Hence, weddings were the bride changes her wedding gown half way through, a transsexual perform a “wedding dance” as entertainment and more booze than the average UK pub.
And I am pretty sure that some Israeli zillionaire will find a way to top the
“obermitzvah” that took place in NY.
Long Island teen Elizabeth Brook, daughter of defense industry tycoon David Brooks, had the bat mitzvah to top all bat mitzvahs.
I t took place at two floors of New York hot spot The Rainbow Room at a price tag estimated at just over $10 million.
The 300 guests sampled hors d'oeuvres to the strains of Kenny G's soprano sax.
The main entertainment featured The Eagles' Don Henley and Joe Walsh, rap diva Ciara, Fleetwood Mac's Stevie Nicks, Tom Petty, Aerosmith and 50 cent.
The goody bags were not too shabby either – each one included a video iPod and a digital camera.

Obviously, the costs of throwing a bar/t mitzvah party are increasing rapidly.
Before the Brookfest, Amber Ridinger's Miami bat mitzvah in November 2005 topped the list. Her bat mitzvah featured performances by rap and hip-hop artists Ashanti, Ja Rule and Marques Houston and set her parents an estimated $500,000 back.
On the other side of the United States, in Los Angeles, Etti Rabb has spent over a year preparing a bat mitzvah for her daughter, Natalie.

The minimum cost for throwing a bottom-of-the-line party is $20,000 – not include the service itself, which costs another $6,000.

But there is one big difference between having a party in the US or in Israel.
In Israel, the guests pay for it themselves, since they hand over a check as a gift.

The sad thing is: the “keeping up with the Joneses” has taken over. The core of the celebration, the religious ceremony, is now a minor detail – food, presents and entertainment is the focus.
And I wonder – who will look at the video and photos in another 5+ years?
May be it’s time to get back to the basics – and make it a memorable and touching celebration again (sans fireworks and circus acts).

2005-12-15T06:42:00.000-08:00

Iran is at it again...

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on 14 December 2005 that the
Holocaust is a "myth" that Europeans have used to create a Jewish state in the heart of the Islamic world.
Correct me if I am wrong, but there has been a Jewish state (Kingdom), way before Mohammed was even born.
He justifies his “theory” by stating that the Europeans committed crimes against the Jews and that they (the United States or Canada), should give part of their land to the Jews to establish a state.
He is helpful enough to propose the following:
"give a part of your own land in Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska to them (Jews) so that the Jews can establish their country."
He went on to say:
"if you (Europeans) committed this big crime, then why should the oppressed Palestinian nation pay the price?"
As far as I know, the Palestinians never contributed to any Holocaust survival fund or Holocaust museum. (And they don’t compensate their terror victims as well).

Obviously, the Iranian president is not going to transfer any money soon:
"You (Europeans) have to pay the compensation yourself” as he publicly announced.
Mr. President needs a history lesson – or is he peeved that not enough American and European funds are flooding his way?

Ahmadinejad also suggested the week before that Israel should be transferred to Europe.
Now that is an interesting viewpoint, considering the percentage of Muslims in Europe.

By his own logic, if the Israelis don’t belong in the Middle East, Muslims don’t belong in the US, Europe, Australia and New Zealand.

Obviously, Mahmoud is not a great fan of Israel in October 2005, he called it a "disgraceful blot" that should be "wiped off the map" .
Considering that Israel is the only democracy in the whole Middle East and has a great track record of products and inventions (Israel won the Nobel Prize for economy in 2005), it is clear that he is talking drivel.

Ahmadinejad also said that the West had harmed Muslims, invaded their countries, and plundered their wealth.
In all fairness, it is true that the colonial powers sometimes treated their colonials disgracefully, but to say that they plundered their wealth is ridiculous.
(don’t forget, this was all before the oil boom).

"If your civilization consists of aggression, making oppressed people homeless, suffocating the voices of justice and bringing poverty to a majority of the World’s people, we say loudly that we hate your hollow civilization," he said.
Funny, that is exactly the point why so many in the Western world hate Muslims and why the war in Iraq started…

They say that each country gets the leader its deserves.
In that case, I feel sorry for the Iranian people who used to have the political moderate Mohammad Khatami as head of state.
He used to call for a dialogue among civilizations and promote a low-key understanding with the United States that stopped short of diplomatic relations.

If any of you want to give Mr. Ahmadinejad a holiday present that he would really like – there might still be a copy of the Elders of Zion around…….

2005-11-30T00:59:00.000-08:00

Anyone seen the King of the Jungle?

We all know that the Gaza is not exactly the most sophisticated place on the planet.
It they would ever twin, I would suggest doing it with Afghanistan or Iraq.
There is not much law and a lot of disorder (an idea for a new reality show? “Outlaw and Disorder”? Oops, forgot, we already have that in the form of incursions in Iraq….)
It seems that not only humans are unsafe – our animal friends are also in danger.
Mid November, four masked gunmen armed with Kalashnikov rifles raided the only zoo in the Gaza Strip.
After they handcuffed the guard and locked him up in the cafeteria, the thieves first stole two white and grey parrots that speak a few words in Arabic.
That is in itself a Good Thing - if they would speak Hebrew, they would for sure be bird pie by now.
Then, the thieves moved on to grab two lions. They were successful with one; the other violently resisted and was left alone.

The zoo’s manager Saud al-Shawwa announced a $1,000 reward for anyone who provides information that could help find the lion and parrots.
"Thousands of people visit the zoo and they will miss these animals, especially the lion," he said.
"We have different species of animals here and we urge the Palestinian security forces to help us find the stolen animals."
(I wouldn't hold my breath if were him - the Palestinian security force is not exactly known for its efficient operations).
"The whole operation lasted less than 30 minutes," Shawwa added.
"The thieves must have visited the zoo before to examine the place. The zoo was officially opened two months ago."

To me, it looks like an animal abduction gang that was filling an order – the black market for lions is non-existent.
Apart from an attitude problem (lions don’t take very kindly to anything that interrupts their daily routine), they are also expensive in the upkeep.
An adult will easily eat more than 3 kilos meat a day, and we are not talking hamburgers, but prime stuff.
So somewhere in Gaza, Jordan or Egypt, there is a Fat Cat stroking the head of this lion….
I don’t think that the announced reward will bring in any leads – the Fat Cat will for sure multiply this amount as hush money if necessary.
Let’s hope that our lion gets a good treatment; if not, it can always cross the bother and enjoy matzot during Pesach in an Israeli zoo…..

2005-11-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

Job Interview from Hell

We all had them – job interview from hell that leaves you drained, upset and second guessing yourself.
Once you land a job, you are too busy recalling what you went through.

So for all you (potential) jobseekers, when you feel like you had the worst interview in history – read the following stories and smile. And whatever you do, don’t doubt yourself!

In 2004, I went for my third job interview at an Israeli biotech company in New Jersey.

I met their female, Chinese Vice President half a year ago, and she told me then that they were looking for someone like me. “Bingo!” I thought.

I went on my second interview a month before, but was turned away from the office since the VP (aptly named “Asia”) was out of the country on business.

I double-checked this time, and was informed that they were waiting for me. So far, so good….

My b-f drove me to my job interview and told me not to worry about him and take as much time as I needed. (A prince among men, non?)

I went in at 11 am and stumbled out at 12.30am. The interview was a disaster.

Asia started by informing me that she is an excellent boss who never stabs people in the back.

Furthermore, when she is unhappy, she will give her employees hell, but not in front of others.

“I am very loyal to my people, you see” she said.

Needless to say, I did not see; my laser eye correction in 2000 must be less successful than I thought…

She told me that the present position is for a Director, but that she will appoint him/her as a manager, so she “can place another person over his/her head if I am unhappy”…

She also told me: “you are single, no kids? Excellent! You can work long hours!”

She went on telling me that I have to work “at least twice as hard as I did before”.

Since I work an average of 10 hours a day, it would mean that I have to forfeit sleep, eat and other such unnecessary activities to meet her demands……

I asked about the financial situation of her company. The investment round only generated $1M. which is peanuts for a technology-driven company . They are under pressure to be commercial ASAP.

We did not discus salary, but she told me that all employees received a salary cut of 20%….She said that nobody left the company, despite the salary cuts.

I wondered if that was because they are chained to the wall and cannot physically leave….I decided not the ask.

When asking “where I see myself in 2 years” she informed me that she loves to hear a candidate telling her that he/she wants her job. I looked at her nose, expecting it to grow like Pinocchio’s, but no such luck.

She also talked about the Israeli CEO as a “wonderful, caring, honest man” in a dreamy voice, looking at the ceiling with a smile around her lips - which gave me some clue about the dynamics in this company.

Her plan is simple: appoint a tandem consisting of a Marketing Director and a Business Development Director. Their successes are hers, the failures are theirs (and “off with their heads” as the Queen said in Alice in Wonderland).

She then went on criticizing and second guessing all my qualifications, wondering if I was really “up to the job” and that she had “some reservations” about my being able to write materials.

This did not stop her from making notes of all my suggestions and opinions that I am pretty sure she happily implemented afterwards.

She polished it off my informing me that she had given me 1,5 hours (and not the standard 30 minutes) since I came in vain the previous time, thus nifty making me feel responsible for it.

Her parting shot was the best: “I am interviewing 30 other people, but keep in touch, I expect questions from you by email”. (Sure, and please hold your breath until I do!)

I stumble out of the building, emotionally drained. B-f was very supportive (he always is!) and gave some colorful feedback harboring on character assassination. (Asia’s, not mine).

B-f knows me well, so he treated me to a wonderful lunch (salmon in a cream/mushroom sauce on a bed of wild rise with cooked asparagus + a glass of excellent dry white wine) to cheer me up. Guess what? It did the trick!

Needless to say, I never heard anything back, not even a polite “thank you, no thank you” email........

2005-11-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

Do you speak Peretzenglish?

Israel’s newly elected Labor Party Chairman, Amir Peretz, delivered his first speech in English. Recipients were donors of the Rabin Center.
Peretz fumbled his way through the speech, unable to pronounce several words.
In the end, he skipped complicated sentences.

For his lack of English, Peretz has been harshly attacked in the media.
In itself, this is grossly unfair.
The Union leader (yes, only in Israel can you be the leader of one of the biggest political parties and potentially prime minister and still serve as the powerful chairman of the Union) worked his way up from a poor immigrant background to the powerhouse he is today.
I definitely do not agree with his views (I strongly believe that he will be disastrous as a PM), but I give him a lot of credit for that.

“How can a guy like that talk to the President of the USA?” his critics asked.
Well, easily, I would think.

Let's face it - George W. Bush makes a habit of slaughtering his native tongue.
They even coined a phrase for his many gaffes: Bushlexia.

A loyal Bush Watcher coined this phrase describing it as “a combination of dyslexia, attention deficit disorder, apraxia, illiteracy, ignorance, laziness, passive-aggressiveness, inappropriate humor, and an arrogant attitude of privilege.”
So I don’t see why Amir and Georgie cannot communicate in simple basic English sentences.

So what if Amir misuses a word or doesn’t know how to pronounce it?
Just look at the following quote of the current Prez:
"Israel has got responsibilities," Mr. Bush said.
"Israel must deal with the settlements.
Israel must make sure there's a continuous territory that Palestinians call home."
(The White House, which late in the day produced a transcript of Mr. Bush's remarks, put the word "contiguous" in parentheses after "continuous," to indicate that "contiguous" was what Mr. Bush had meant.) --New York Times, 06.04.03

This is not the only "misquote" of GWB - what to think of the following?
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business.
Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

You see my point? Let’s first wait for a US president with proper language skills before we criticize non-Anglo politicians….
And at least Peretz is fluent in two languages (Hebrew and Moroccan Arabic), in contrast to the 43rd President of the USA who personifies the old joke: “what do you call someone who only speaks one language? American!”

2005-11-17T03:33:00.000-08:00

Et tu, Hila?

Hila Cohen is a judge who was convicted in the summer of 2005 for tampering with court documents. She forged minutes of meetings with defense counsel that never took place and also destroyed court documents. Instead of firing her on the spot, the court sentenced her to be reassigned to another court and to a severe reprimand.
This created an uproar, and Cohen was asked to resign, which she flatly refused.
Proceedings to dismiss Cohen were submitted to the judges selection committee to make the lady leave. The committee is expected to do just that on December 1.
But Hila is not a woman to avoid a good fight, so she announced that she wants to launch a counter investigation of Justice Minister Tsipi Livni.
She wrote a letter to Livni , asking to question the Justice Ministry and other senior officials, including the Justice Ministry commissioner for complaints against judges.

She also demands that "defense witnesses" will be heard and that she can "counter investigate."
She justified this as follows:
"in a legal inquiry it is inappropriate that a judge who is being asked to conclude her tenure cannot investigate the people who have proposed her dismissal."

OK, so if this flies, we can all start investigating the performance of our bosses when we are being laid-off……
I don’t know how Hila Cohen got appointed and I haven’t got a clue what her credentials are, but she is for sure creative!

She is not the only one taking creative licenses with the law.
Omri Sharon, son of PM Ariel Sharon, was convicted of falsifying corporate documents and perjury, among other offenses, which in the overwhelming majority of cases constitute crimes of moral turpitude. This is relevant, since Omri is a Member of Knesset (MK).
According to the Basic Law on The Knesset, an MK may not continue to serve in his position if his final conviction pertains to crimes of moral turpitude.
A court hearing a MK’s case - at its own initiative, or in keeping with a request from the attorney general - can determine whether the offenses in question constitute crimes of moral turpitude.
In the case of Omri (who struck a plea bargain) that part has not been finalized.
Obviously, being convicted is not as important as gluing yourself to your parliamentary seat.
The State Prosecution will ask the court to rule that the offenses for which Sharon was convicted do indeed constitute crimes of moral turpitude.
But even when successful, Omri has the right to appeal that part of the verdict, effectively dragging it on for years and calmly remaining an active MK member, representing the people of Israel.

Oh irony – Israel has a wonderful political and court system with too many unscrupulous people abusing it.
It makes you almost pine for the times of King Solomon…Oh Shlomo, were are thou?

2005-11-09T00:49:00.000-08:00

Esther is coming to town

Madonna, the poster girl for Berg’s version of Kabbalah, is planning to visit Israel during the Hanukkah holiday.
Madonna, who refers to herself as "Esther" is planning to visit Israel during the upcoming Chanukkah holiday.
She wants to seek the blessing of Israel's leading Kabbalist - Rabbi Yitzhak Kaduri.
(First off, considering her new name, it would be more fitting for her to visit Israel during Purim).
This is the second time that Madonna asked to be blessed; the previous time (in 2004) the rabbi refused even to meet her.

This time around, Madonna’s managers apparently also contacted the rabbi's associates, including the rav’s grandson Yossi Kaduri, to try and set up a meeting between the pop singer and the rabbi.
You see, mother-of-two Madonna wants to have another child but first wants to receive Kaduri’s blessing.
(I am not sure what that has to do with the price of tea in China, but I applaud her motherly instincts).

All in all, I am quite puzzled.
For starters, it just doesn’t make sense.
Madonna is Catholic, so it would make more sense for her to visit the Pope.
(The new one seems like a decent bloke, so give it a shot, Madge).
Furthermore, someone has to explain to her that just using the name Esther doesn’t make her Jewish. If I would get a dollar for every non-Jewish girl called Esther, I could buy myself some serious real estate. (The Hamptons spring to mind).
It’s nice that she has a spiritual life, but her version of Kabbalah is not exactly mainstream.
I cannot blame organizations such as the International Society for Sephardic Progress to go into a hissy fit and urge Kaduri to shun her.

And our Madge doesn’t exactly have what we call neshamah.
Remarks such as "It would be less controversial if I joined the Nazi Party (instead of the Kabbalah Center)," only show that she doesn’t have an inking about Jewish sensitivities.
Don’t get me wrong, I admire Madonna for the marketing genius she is, but I would like to suggest the following.
Once in Israel, I would like her to give a concert, free of charge, and invite her fans and admirers from both sides of the (security) fence.
Let Israelis and Palestinians together belt out songs and make dance moves.
It might not be a Kabbalah blessing, but it would for sure be a true Mitzvah!

2005-11-02T00:38:00.000-08:00

JAP meets Sabra

For those of you watching the dating/reality show “Of all the girls in the world” the best episode up till now was the one broadcasted last Sunday on Channel 3.
It showed us all the difference between the Israeli and JAP lifestyle.
To update you - the elimination race is still going on. The three finalists were flown to New York to meet the parents.
First we have Neta, a sweet Israeli girl who, IMHO, would be desperately unhappy outside of Israel.
Then there is Marie, a 21-year old perky Canadian, who comes across as a diva in the making. Last but not least – Bulgarian Maria.
Non-Jewish Maria (Jewish father, Catholic mother) is very much a woman, statuesque, with an air of mystery about her.
In New York, the girls are staying in bachelor Ari’s not-so-impressive- apartment.
I would have put my foot down and asked for a single room in the Millennium Hotel.
They were whisked off to an olam to meet the family. Oy!
All of them made a good impression: the mother liked Marie, the father Maria and the sister Neta. So much for consensus. Ari’s family came across as slightly dysfunctional.
Ari’s father was blatantly fawning over Maria gushing what a beautiful woman she is.
The mother announced that she is the perfect mother-in-law, because "I keep my mouth zipped shut and my wallet zipped open." Mmmm, so much for the Jewish Values that Ari keeps bringing up. Sister Charlene knows how to act for the cameras. She plays the vixen part with relish and could give Joan Collins a run for her money.
Charlene invited each girl to her place for a separate check session.
The first victim was sweet Neta, who was schlepped to a manicure/pedicure place.
When Charlene found out that she never had a pedicure before, she nearly fainted and drowned in her footbath.
She asked Neta about working, emphasizing that she herself is a stay-at-home Mum.
Neta answered truthfully that she would like to work and cut down on it once she has children. Charlene looked shocked.
Obviously, she doesn’t get two things:
a) staying home with the kids is a luxury Israeli women don’t have (except for the affluent ones);
b) educated women like to work in their chosen field of expertise. I wonder if Charl Dear ever visited Israel or has any Israeli friends.
After summing up the visit, Charlene informed Ari that she had a problem with Neta not being "a traditional woman such as Mum and myself."
Marie was the second victim, and was cordially invited to step into the high design kitchen to make "sesame schnitzels with noodles."
"Noodles" in the States is called "pasta" in Canada and Europe (being a collective noun), so Marie asked if she was talking about spaghetti. Charlene gave her an affirmative nod with a "don’t try my patience" look.
Marie did her best, honestly saying that she didn’t know if she was heading for the chuppah yet. "I see myself having a serious relationship that might lead to marriage," she said, which in my book is a very mature and sensible statement for a 21-year old.
Charlene kept emphasizing to Marie and Ari that she (Marie) is very young, and that there is a 13-year-old age gap with 34-year old Ari.
The last victim was Maria, who had a really tough time.
Charlene took her to a boutique were she tried on her outfit for her son’s Bar Mitsva.
It consisted of a knee length black frock with a short sleeved glittery jacket – not exactly a proper outfit for an Orthodox shul. Maria said that she liked the outfit.
Charlene changed into a white evening halter dress with a slit halfway up her tights.
Charl posed "Alexis Carrington of Dynasty"- style and asked poor Maria (who lied through her teeth that she liked this outfit as well) what she would wear at an Orthodox Jewish wedding.
"A dress" she answered, "with sleeves."
Charlene was not happy about this answer and told Ari that she didn’t think that Maria has any neshomme. Ari promptly dumped Maria stating: "I have a problem with your honesty."
Considering how he is portrayed in the show, this gives new meaning to the world chutzpa.
So now we are down to two: sweet Sabra Neta and perky JAP Marie.
Who will win? I predict neither.
No matter who will be chosen, Ari will not settle down with anyone.
His best option: let Charl select a woman for him, and marry her after the approval of the parent unit.
It’s a pity Charlene doesn’t work – she has the makings of a great shadchan!

2005-10-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

Want to drink some Kabbalah?

Forget about Red Bull. If you want to be trendy (the Madonna/Britney/Demi way), your beverage of choice must be Kabbalah Energy Drink.
It's a heady combination of medieval Jewish mysticism, a fizzy strawberry-flavored drink loaded with vitamins and a splash of holy water – so how can you say no?
Follow the hip, the curious and the thirsty crowd and fork out $2 for a can of sweetened, carbonated, caffeinated, vitamin-charged water to which some Canadian mountain spring water blessed by a rabbi is added.
Believe it or not, the US distributor XL Beverage is located in (hold on to your seat) Bethlehem.
“I would not think there would be any actual spiritual benefit to drink this. The true teachings of Kabbalah have nothing to do with energy drinks,” deadpanned one Kabbalah scholar.
I bet that in order to get the maximum benefits, the soft drink producer will tell you that it can only be consumed while wearing one of the red Kabbalah strings (at $ 26 a piece) around your wrist.
Who came up with this New Age energy drink brainchild?
Darin Ezra, the director of Kabbalah Enterprises in Los Angeles, is the beverage distributor. He was approached by the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles to distribute their bottled Kabbalah water, another trendy product (Madonna has been known to drink it).
Ezra saw the huge amount of synergy between the Kabbalah brand, energy drinks and the kind of consumers interested in both - namely, the 18- to 35-year-old set.
Kabbalah Energy Drink's success has snowballed ever since Ezra tested the market by sending out 10,000 cans in January 2005 to stores in west Los Angeles.
Energy drinks, which also cross over into what the industry calls the ''New Age'' drink category, generally contain high caffeine and sugar content, as well as loads of vitamins, such as taurine, an amino acid, and B vitamins. ''I think one reason the category is so successful is, that the products actually work,'' Hemphill says.
Healthy? I don’t think so – the Kabbalah Energy Drink contains a warning:
“consume responsibly. Limit to 24 ounces per 24-hour period. Not recommended for children, pregnant women or people sensitive to caffeine.”
And it's not Kosher for Passover. Mmm, I wonder how that happened? May be because marketing-savvy Ezra plans to launch Kabbalah cookies and Kabbalah cereal?
Before asking Tempo when it will be available in Israel, I strongly suggest that you try a great beverage that has been around for a few hundred years: coffee. The caffeine and sugar content is optional.
It will give you the same buzz without the chemicals – trust me. Coffeelah, anyone?

2005-10-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

A cheesy experience

Two things are impossible in Israel: to be bored and to die of hunger.
No matter where you are, there is always food - Salads, burekas, pitas, chocolates, ice cream and (of course) the #1 snack: Bamba.
For those of you who were never exposed to this culinary treat (lucky you!) it’s a snack made from peanuts. It’s a – to phrase it politely – acquired taste.
Israelis grew up on it and love it. Oliem have a tougher time to appreciate it. It’s one of the strongest brands in Israel and boasts a happy baby as its image.
Israelis are obsessed with food, diets etc. The average Israeli m/f is overweight, although obesity is not as widespread as in the US.
The Jewish holidays and Shabbat don’t help as well to keep a slim waistline.
I arrange my fitness schedule around the Israeli eating pattern.
Sundays and the first day after a Hag are the worse to go to your fitness center and work out. It’s packed with guilt-ridden people trying to loose the few pounds they packed on by indulging the day before. The best time to workout is during lunchtime. You have the fitness center including swimming pool to yourself.
Israelis are not only obsessed with their own food, they happily interfere with others as well.
This happened to me some time ago.
The woman in front of me in the supermarket looked into my trolley and said: “What is the fat percentage?” I saw her staring at the cheese in my shopping basket and answered truthfully: ”No idea”.
I love cheese, and buy it a lot for its taste; the percentage fat and salt is of no interest to me what so ever.
“More than 35%”, gloated the woman operating the cash register in a heavy Russian accent.
(Cash register operators here in Israel have a social mission to fulfill; they comment on everything you buy, ask for recipes, inquire about the taste of the people in your country of origin and try to sell you all kinds of useless debit cards.
Still, I like them a lot; especially since I am a living nightmare by checking my shopping bill in depth. In 80% of the cases, there are mistakes, almost never to my benefit. I also make a big issue out of getting correct change; if my bill ends at .95, I insist on receiving my 5 agarot. I start arguing that it’s not my fault that they do not have 5 agarot coins change; I keep this up until they finally give me my 5 (or 10) agarot change. It’s a matter of principle; they pull this trick on all their customers, and make heaps of extra money!)
“So much fat?!” the woman shrieked. “That’s very unhealthy. Why don’t you buy Tal HaEmek? (for the innocent reader: Tal HaEmek is a sort of imitation cheese that resembles Emmenthal. Please note the clever translation from Yiddish to Hebrew – great marketing!)
She continued to lecture me on fat (in cheeses), blood pressure (mine), cholesterol levels (also mine) and healthy eating patterns (hers).
I listened impatiently. (Even after years in this country, I do not have the skill to pinpoint the optimal momentum to rudely interrupt my speaking partners. I am working on it, so there is still hope!)

After she finished her lecture (more or less) she glared at me and said: ”Nu?!”
I scanned her up and down and saw a woman of my age, at least two dress sizes bigger with a bulging stomach and belly, squeezed in good Israeli fashion in a too tight tiger print top, skin tight black pants and half a pound of silver jewelry.
In one hand she clasped a mobile and a huge bunch of keys (how are they able to acquire so many keys?! I only have my car key, house key, office room key and mailbox key) and a wallet almost bursting at the seams with post-its, travel cards, shopping cards, saving cards, frequent flyer cards and all other credit/debit cards that the Israeli economy can come up with.
I replied (rather viciously) that I do not have any problems with keeping my figure and never needed to go on a diet in my life. Needless to say, she did not take kindly to this remark. She started preaching me about the Evils of Cheese. If you believed her, it was a matter of minutes before I would collapse with a cardiac arrest.
I peered into her shopping basket and remarked: “you really think that bambas, potato chips, ice-cream and yogurts full of artificial colorants are healthy?”
Wrong remark of course, she started shouting that 1) bambas are very healthy since they are made out of peanuts; 2) ice-cream is healthy because it is ice-cream (do not try to understand the logic), that’s why all Israelis are eating it; 3) potato chips are for the kids; 4) the yoghurts are 0% fat, so that’s OK.
In short, “You don’t understand”. I hear that a lot and I translate it into “You are correct”.
While I was paying, a guy standing in line remarked that he has always been a great cheese lover and that I definitely did not need to go on diet.
Another guy happily joined the conversation, remarking that he visited France many times, indulging in a wide variety of cheeses. “We Israelis do not know how to make cheese”, he ended on a final note.
“Mah Pitom,” said another, “we make great soft white cheeses that are a lot healthier than the yellow ones”.
The woman who started it all nodded her head approvingly.
The woman at the cash register decided it was time to put in her two cents and remarked that in Russia, French people are known for their cheese consumption. I did not dare to enlighten her that I am not French.
After paying (“No, I pay cash; no, I don’t want to buy saving stamps; no, I don’t want to buy a CD with army songs, no, I do not need batteries, even when they are cheap; no, I do not need sweets, washing powder, detergents, chocolate, or toilet soap that is on sale, and NO, I do not want a debit card!”) I could finally collect my shopping items and leave.
A week or so later, I bought another piece of Emmenthal cheese. An elderly lady behind me started asking about my cheese. I was mentally preparing myself for a repeat performance, when she completely took me off guard by saying: “good for you buying the original and not the Israeli imitation. I am French and I know a thing or two about cheese”. I nearly hugged her.

2005-09-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

Touchy, touchy

You may have noticed as well – Israelis are touchy.
I am not only referring to their state of mind, but the “their-hand-on-you-body” kind.
They mean well, they just want to emphasize a point by touching you.
Personally, I like my space and only want to touch and be touched by people
a) I am close to and b) I like.
Unfortunately for me, Israel is filled with touchy people. While I am trying to keep my distance, they want to “enter my bloodstream” as they call it here.
It's an endless battle – the more reserved I become, the more curious is my environment.
Once I was cornered by a neighbor, who asked if I had a new boyfriend.
When I looked puzzled, he happily told me that they (the neighbors) discussed the fact that there was a new car in my personal parking. They came to the conclusion that it must be related to a new guy in my life. It never crossed their minds that I might have changed jobs and got therefore a different company car. When I gave neighbor-dear one of my non-answers, he looked peeved and snapped that I am too damn secretive. Touchy, touchy!

In my previous company, I had the pleasure to work with a nice Argentinean colleague. Being Latin American, he kept standing close to me – too close for my peace of mind. So I used to step back a bit, which led to him stepping forwards again. In order not to cross the whole length of the office building, I stepped slightly sideways, so we ended up full circle. It looked like we were dancing. He never had a clue.

In the USA and Western Europe, people get into overcrowded public transport and elevators, bending backwards (pun intended) to avoid body contact. Not so in this country. They not only lean against you, but also start a personal conversation, commenting on your appearance or the book or article you are reading. Once you bite (I counsel you never to do that!) they happily ask you questions such as: are you married, do you have kids, where do you live, what is your rent/mortgage and how much you make. If you refuse to answer, they are hurt.
So I solve it by rapidly firing all kind of questions at them. You see, it is a one-way street – they can ask you but you can’t ask them. They are touchy when it comes to their private sphere.

Don't be surprised when complete strangers or people you just met happily drape an arm around your shoulder, touch your arm, shoulder or hair and even hug you.
Employers are worse. Not that they touch you – the laws here are very strict and they know you can sue their pants off. No, they created something even more horrid: a Hugging Day.
Yes, really, that’s what it's called (and tax deductible). It’s their way of ensuring that their employees bond.
Now, I have nothing against bonds, as long as they are the equivalent of stocks, if you get my drift. I don’t see any reason to spend my free time with a whole bunch of people that I didn’t select to be my friends in the first place. Don’t get me wrong – I like my colleagues but I don’t want to spend my sparsely free time with them.

The day itself is a nightmare for a nerd like me – it consists of outdoorsy stuff. I like nature – I watch it a lot on National Geographic for which privilege I pay handsomely to the cable company anyway. So why should I rough it out, get sunburn and have to eat junk food? The planned activities are of the “let’s have fun together” kind: driving around in jeeps (not the way I want to spend my last hour on earth), karting (which is nice for kids under the age of 8), climbing through nets (what the hell is the point of that?!), shooting bows and arrows (hitting management isn’t allowed), sing along (I had my fill of music lessons, thank you very much) and walks, loooooong walks.

I didn’t like all the above when I was a kid and I didn’t acquire a taste for it since.
The head of my current company’s cultural committee is a tall, chubby and sweet guy who somehow made it his mission in life to drag me to one of those Hugging Things.
He cleverly asked me what would make me happy. I answered truthfully that I would like a day filled with a) fitness and b) Spa activities in a 4 to 5 star Spa resort with a state-of-the-art fitness center. He smiled, told me that it was too expensive for the company and guess what? Hugged me!

2005-09-13T01:31:00.000-07:00

A miffed terrorist – life is stranger than fiction.

Steven Spielberg is currently shooting the movie “Munich” about the 1972 Munich Olympics attack, in which 11 Israeli athletes died.
“Munich” is a thriller chronicling not only the massacre but also the Israeli revenge assassinations that followed.
The source of the movie is contraversial – it is (at least partly) based on “Vengeance”, a book on the reprisals campaign that has been widely criticized.
“I am surprised that a director like Spielberg has chosen, out of all the sources, to rely on this particular book,” retired Mossad chief Zvi Zamir told the Israeli newspaper Haaretz in July 2005.
The ex-spook is not the only one that read “Vengence”.
“I read it,” announced Mohammad Daoud, “It’s full of mistakes.”
Mr. Daoud is the mastermind of “Black September”, a Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) splinter group. He is the one that sent terrorists to abduct Israeli athletes at the 1972 Games. Two hostages were killed in the raid, and another nine during the botched rescue by German police.
Reeling from the loss of its countrymen - particularly on what had been the staging ground for the Holocaust - Israel retaliated with shootings, booby-trap bombings and commando operations that killed at least 10 PLO men and drove their comrades into hiding.
The weird thing is, that this Palestinian terrorist is miffed – big time.
“I know nothing about this film,” Daoud told Reuters by telephone from an undisclosed location in the Middle East.
“If someone really wanted to tell the truth about what happened, he should talk to the people involved, people who know the truth. Were I contacted, I would tell the truth.”
Yeah, sure, and I am a supermodel.

Truth from the mouths of terrorists?! Just is case you wonder, according to Daoud, it’s not the PLO which is to blame for the deaths, but Israel and West Germany.
Our innocent lamb survived a 1981 gun attack in Poland which the PLO blamed on the Mossad. But then, the Mossad has been blamed for a lot, including the death of Princess Diana.

Spielberg, not wanting to shake the money tree, has vowed that “Munich” will be sensitive to all sides.
I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait not to see this movie!

2005-09-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are fed up with news about the disengagement, corruption scandals and balancing your checkbook, here is your chance to put some romance and glamour back in your life.
I am referring to the cheesy reality show “of all the girls in the world”.
New York businessman Ari Goldman (34) is the male star aka the object of desire.
He is a slightly chubby bachelor who lives in Manhattan, where he runs a (supposedly) highly successful vintage comics enterprise.
According to the visuals, he drives a really cool car, has a powerboat and a nice house with a terrace overlooking the water. Mmmm, not bad at all! So why do I have the sneaky suspicion that all those worldly goods are not his? And why does he want to meet 17 Jewish Cinderellas aged 21-34 in Israel? Is he desperate, or does he want to improve his business? If the latter is the case, I applaud him – free worldwide marketing & PR is something only A-list actors enjoy.

The ladies in question come from diverse backgrounds, and were born in Estonia, Bulgaria, Canada, the US, Ethiopia and Israel. All (but one) have at least a BA, as the producer happily pointed out. (No idea why that is relevant, but who am I?).
According to the producer, they are “the type of girl that any Jewish mother would want for her son”. Yeah, sure, every mother-in-law just loves her son to marry a woman who made a fool of herself on international TV for a worldwide audience.
Goldman doesn't speak Hebrew, so a large part of the program is in English. Some of the girls don’t speak English well, and use one of their competitors as a translator. Talking about shooting yourself in the foot!
The producer justifies the lack of English skills with: “We didn't pick them for their fluency in English; love is an international language”. He added that language and culture obstacles will add spice to the show.
Except for the significant fact that he doesn't live in Israel, Goldman travels on Shabbat, but has his Friday night dinner with his family. He eats only kosher, dons a kippa when he sits down to eat and studies with a rabbi every two weeks. We can therefore safely assume that he will not make alyah, so his bride will be whisked away to NYC. I am sure that’s a huge incentive to participate in this show.
Some of the young women he meets are fully Sabbath observant, some just eat kosher but don't observe the Sabbath, and others are barely observant at all.
As we all know, that’s already a breaking point in any date, so good luck to all of them.
No show without a twist, so there it comes: an 18th contestant is watching all the episodes except the last from the comfort of her living room, who can also join the rat race if she considers herself superior. Of course she will – but isn’t that unfair towards our poor bachelor, who never even saw the wench?
Toward the end, Goldman will take the four women who appeal to him most back to New York, where family and friends will help him narrow the choice to one.
The rewards? A $ 200,000 engagement ring, a car, and a rent-free apartment for one year.
The catch? He has to settle in Israel (Talking about pressure!).
I am not the only one being cynical about this all - Goldman's own mother doesn't think the show will bring her a daughter-in-law. What I don’t get: New York is full of intelligent, gorgeous single women, so what is Goldman’s problem?
Especially NYC is the ultimate ethnic melting pot, so why shop afar when you can do it right on your doorstep?
Does the show work? Yes and now. The chances that Ari will find a bride whom he can whisk away to Manhattan are as high as any of us winning the lottery. Are we being entertained? For sure!
The styling of this program is excellent – no money was spared on locations, outfits, hair & makeup.
In the first episode, the candidates arrived in brand new identical cars (that were obviously not theirs), wearing white outfits that complimented one another. During the episodes shown, all the girls have nice clothes, beautiful makeup, and every hair in place. I would love to see them in their own feathers, so to speak.
Needless to say, the program is heavily sponsored. In contrast to American shows, where sponsors get subtle acknowledgements, in this one an aggressive male voice interrupts the show rattling off the products and its benefits, while stills of the products in question are shown.

The tasks that the girls have to perform are rather weird – one received 4,000 NIS to spend in 2 hours. This would be a good test to see which one to eliminate!
Ari’s only comment was that he didn’t get anything. Makes you wonder about the spending habits of this mother and sister.
Some girls had to play golf; others had to sing in Casarea's amphitheatre. It looked more like an “Apprentice” episode than a dating show.
There is one shot of Ari reclining on his hotel bed, looking bewildered.
The gift of one of the girls tells it all: she gave him a fish tank with a fish, so he wouldn’t feel lonely. It only emphasized that he looked like a fish out of water…

2005-09-05T01:59:00.000-07:00

It all started with an invitation for a marketing writing course that I received about a month ago. I got the invitation via a PR network, so I should have been warned…. It was organized by a company (let’s call them X-team), which specializes in technical writing. Since the current economic situation is bad, such companies have a tough time surviving. Due to the unemployment rate among marketing and technical writers (45%), companies prefer to hire laid-off writers that are dirt cheap, very experienced and are paid per hour. X-team invited me to join their course that took place on August, 2nd from 6pm-8pm. It consisted of two parts – the first part “what is marketing writing” and the second part “how to write killer marketing material”.

Since I always want to improve myself, I thought it was a good idea to go. The costs were also OK, 40 NIS. (I did not even contemplated to ask this amount from my employer).

So I registered…and did not get a confirmation. So I emailed twice, to make sure I had a place. Finally, I got the confirmation with a map how to drive there. And then the fun started….

That whole day, Ibby (my boss) kept throwing work at me. When I told him that I had to leave that day at 5.30pm (I start at 8am, mind you), the reaction was 1) why so early 2) what for.
I was stupid enough to tell him. He replied it would be a waste of time. I was finally able to leave armed with the map that X-team had faxed me. I don’t have the greatest sense of directions, but I was quite confident that I would find it. The map clearly showed that I had to turn right at the fifth traffic light on the main road into Rehov Habaniem, so that would be easy enough, correct?
So I drove off…..already being tired and stressed.

All went well, and I turned right at the fifth traffic light. Wrong street name, so I parked, and went to ask directions. I asked the proprietress of a small kiosk that sells milk, cigarettes, snacks, and newspapers and also serves coffee. She did not know, but her customer sitting outside budded in, took my map, and started to analyze it. Not very successfully, since he kept turning it around. After some minutes, I took the map back, and said I would ask at the petrol station. The guy looked insulted and said that he would have figured it out eventually. Yeah, sure, and I am a super model. The petrol station guy at the end of the street was very nice and helpful, and told me that he knew were Habaniem was. I just had to turn left at the next traffic light. By that time, it was 6.10 pm, so it was cutting it close, but what the hack, I was almost there, right? Wrong!
I went back to my car (feeling hot and sweaty) and turned left at the traffic light as instructed. Lo and behold, the correct street name! Found a nice parking place, parked and saw that a high tech guy (pony tail, end 20s, must therefore be a software engineer) was getting into the car next to me. I thought that double checking would be a good idea, so I showed my map again, and he assured me that I was in the right place. He recognized all the streets, and pointed into the different directions to indicate them. I was very impressed and relieved. So, I went looking for X-team at Habaniem 1… that turned out to be a Chinese Restaurant. By that time, I was confused and nervous. I decided to ask a mother with a small child walking towards me – those ladies normally know all the streets. She was very nice and looked at my map. She told me that I was in the right street, but in the wrong kfar! Of course, I thought to myself, that explains a lot! She told me that I had to turn back to the main road, go to the left, 3 traffic lights and then to the right.
Bt that time, it was already 6.30pm, so I wondered if it was worth while to go. But since I am extremely stubborn, I could not give up. By that time, my feet were also hurting and I started to get hungry (Did not have anything to eat since my salad at noon).
So I drove off again. By that time, I was smack in the middle of rush hour, so I had to move with the speed of a snail, a heavily medicated, doped out snail. Finally, I arrived at the third traffic light and turned right. Guess what? The right street, but in the middle of a cluster of buildings. It resembled a kibbutz.
I parked my car, took my map and walked into the first small building I saw – a small high tech firm. I asked the two young guys there if they could help me. They looked at the map and told me that X-team should be in a building somewhere behind them. They did not know for sure, and happily informed me “nobody can find us as well”. This sentence was delivered with a big smile, so I wondered why they didn’t relocate.
I walked around amongst several clusters of small buildings. I suddenly saw an old sign with X-team on it, so I followed it…and ended up in a playground! Looking around, I noticed this tiny sign “X-team” on a building dwarfed by huge signs of other companies. Go figure. By that time, it was 6.45pm…..But, in for a penny, in for a pound, so I went into the building. Nobody to be found, so I first looked for the restrooms since I drank lots of water on the way. I walked around, and finally a guy talking loudly on his mobile came out of his office and demanded to know what I wanted. I answered that I was looking for the course. He pointed were it was and added “You must be very polite when you go in”. I informed him that I am always polite. At that moment, a young guy came rushing towards me and told me he was also late. We decided to go in together.
So I opened the door to slip in…. and nearly fainted.
It was a small meeting room, packed with 40 people sitting (shoulder to shoulder, knee to back) and another 10+ standing…without air-conditioning!
By that time, the idea of standing for two hours or so, having to pay for that privilege, and no possibility to make notes was enough to freak me out. I made a hasty retreat and drove home. By 7.30pm, I was finally home and thought this whole exercise over.

My first lesson: never trust maps sent to you by companies.
My second lesson: People are friendly and helpful, but not always reliable
My third lesson: X-team has a good idea – if implemented correctly

Their concept is great:

you let your own employees teach – no costs involved
in your own offices – no costs involved
50 invitees = 2,000 NIS tax free
5%-10% might turn into customers (hack, even 1 customer out of it makes it all worth while!)

But what upsets me most……Ibby was right!